Transcendence on a Misty Evening

As soon as I walked out of the hospital, I could feel it and so I chose to walk slowly, savoring every moment. My whole 0.7 mile walk to the subway station this evening was a mystical and transcendent thin place. It's chilly, misting droplets filling the air, and the twilight fading into the night. The softness of the air. The hum of a streetlight. The hint of the idea of an Autumn out of place. The sounds of children playing. The smells of dinners. The oddity of civic fireflies that flickered over green garbage cans and brownstones. A multitude of languages, cars whooshing by, bells on shop doors dinging the way in or the way out, music of all sorts coming from a distance down every street, the smell of fresh laundry, and an occasional breeze in the trees. I'm so grateful to have moments like this! Moments of satisfying joy, a twinge of sadness, a breath of excitement - Moments that fill me with inexplicable longing, yet fill me with this transitory life itself. I walked from the past, through the present, and touched the future tonight. Thanks be to God.

(Photo via google, but it grasps the feelings I had).

Clinical Pastoral Education in New York!

In The Episcopal Church, the rich journey to priesthood usually contains the vital, and sometimes dreaded, element of CPE. This stands for Clinical Pastoral Education and often consists of work as a chaplain at either a hospital or medical center. Many other denominations also include CPE and many place it in the summer after the first year in semniary.The hours in my program have been divided into 100 hours of class and "Didactic days" while the remaining 300 are spent being and chaplain at a hospital. The National Association of Clinical Pastoral Education (ACPE) has a list of most CPE programs and presents standards for spiritual care and education for professionals and people seeking to become professionals in any faith tradition or setting. CPE is a form of theological education. While it can lead to professional chaplaincy, it is important for faith leaders to have experiential learning and actually have a chance to practice ministry. Gaining insights of self-awareness and that of others is important to both giving and receiving care.

I chose the New York Lutheran Services Alliance for my program. It's in New York and is an extremely diverse program. I'm working at New York University Langone (formerly NYU Lutheran) hospital in the Bay Ridge area of Brooklyn, NY.  My classes are held on the upper west side area of Riverside at The Interchurch Center. 

I'm loving my experience, both in the program and in New York and Brooklyn. It's been valuable. I have not liked everything about it and certain things are still growing on me (verbatims, for one), but overall, I am personally finding it a pastorally-validating, mindfullness-creating, rewarding, journey-through-the-emotions type of experience. Long ago, I worked extremely hard on my boundaries between teaching and taking things home. I learned, the hard way, not to take everything with me all of the time. I did not realize how much my previous work and therapy had helped me until I began to notice other colleagues struggling with some things. Here, this time, I have not taken things home and spent time (other than prayer) on them. 

I have, in fact, managed somehow to have a bit of a life here in New York. 

   

Lucky for me, I have a support system, including my sweet Bluebell kitty and some friends in NYC. I am very fortunate that the person from whom I'm renting allowed me to bring Bluebell with me. My friends are mostly busy or on vacation outside of the area, but I have managed to see some of them for dinner, coffee, a harbour cruise (this one), or a Broadway show. I'm able to do those things because my lunches are provided at the hospital (as a volunteer) and being a VSG-er, I eat tiny meals so get plenty of mileage from the salads I get! So, I'll write some more about the CPE experience another time, but: so far, so good.

A Cup of Sewanee

This isn't just ANY ole cup of coffee.... it's a cup of I'M GOING TO SEWANEE COFFEE!! 

Honestly, I can't believe it! I am SO EXCITED and HAPPY! It's almost surreal...it is indeed a dream and lately, I have been catching myself occasionally stopping mid-thought and finding myself grinning and pondering my new journey of postulancy with rapid heartbeats and wonder. No joke that this is a dream of mine. I fell in love with Sewanee: The University of the South in 1988 when I was a senior in Porter-Gaud High School (Charleston, SC) and when I visited, it was my first choice. I had been planning to major in music and something else, not sure what. I was even thinking about keyboard at the time, having had a tiny bit of piano training. I remember I wrote my application essay on mentorship and role models and used Angela Lansbury as my example of success complemented with living. I had been a fan of her roles in fun mysteries and also in Sweeney Todd.
Well, it was not to be yet. I received a scholarship, but it was basically book money. My parents made too much to qualify for most types of loans, yet not enough to afford expensive places such a Sewanee or Emory at the time. My brother was also still at home for a few more years and finances had always been tough. Anyway, I ended up having to go to "the dreaded state school" which, at the time, was a peer-pressured shame at the prep school I was attending. Now, I think anything goes and of COURSE I understood - even at the time - that where you attend college often doesn't matter as much as what you make of it when you're there. So, I wasn't about to go to Clemson (nope!) because I was already a USC Gamecock fan like my Dad so I chose USC. At first, I was rather disillusioned at having my dream swiped from underneath my feet and I didn't know what major to choose or how to like this school. My parents thought I should choose something where I'd be able to make a living so I liked Biology and chose that, thinking I'd become a virologist and maybe could cure the common cold. (Now, actually THAT would be insanely awesome, had it happened, but I like people WAAAAAAY more than petri dishes). After a year, I was hooked on USC and I am a HUGE Gamecock fan!  A bio-pre-med major, it took me almost three years to find my way to music and I was only able to convince myself I could do a music major because....wait for it.....

There was no required recital in the music education track.

What a cop out. Well, not really...I had so much more stage fright then than I do now - even though now I still have a TON. To think that I went from that to eventually getting a doctorate in conducting is a pretty amazing transformation. (I joyfully returned to USC after an MM at Emory!)
So, after a brief time as a French major and a Psychology major (like a month or two each), I came into music and was hooked. I still am. In fact, one of the things that "sold it" in my period of Episcopal discernment was in October 2013, I suddenly realized that I didn't have to give up being a musician. What?! YAY!

I identify with being a conductor and singer now and probably always will to some degree. 

That REALLY opened up my heart!

Now, I felt free and able to hear God's call more clearly and I am SO HAPPY now because I feel MUCH freer to move forward to where I'm being called. My vision of ministry has increased like the outward circles from something dropping in a pond, getting richer and more amazing with each layer and all the while strengthening that innermost layer. I cannot wait to take courses and learn from the faculty and my fellow classmates. 
Formation - I need it! 
Knowledge - I need it!
The beautiful mountain - I need it!
Ohhhhh and there's this: the exciting fact that I received my Sewanee housing assignment yesterday!

More anticipation!!! It's a tiny apartment on the edge of campus, but it has two windows, a nicer kitchen than I have now, and a couple of built-in drawers in the bedroom so perhaps I can sell my dresser, which would be GREAT! It is what I asked for! I can't wait to find out more about it and see exactly what it looks like but I am thrilled to know where I'll be and it makes it all the more real!

Cleaning out my UNO office is also making things super real. I have a TON of stuff, especially books and music. I'm pretty proud that I whittled down an entire 4-shelf bookshelf of choral sheet music to a 1/2 box. That's great for me, considering I have extreme sentimental value associated with 90% of everything. :-) 

I will have to ask at church if anyone has any room in a garage or attic to store some boxes of books for me, but I might be able to stack bookshelves and may be doing that in both the bedroom and the living room. Time will tell.

One thing I've learned that does make me sad is that my position of Director of Choral Activities at UNO is being adjuncted out and there is not any information as to whether or not the position itself is going away or if they will do a search (which I hope they do!), or if it will simply morph into a choral/music ed position once the new School of the Arts is on track and fully functioning with admins in place, financial development, and more faculty and staff. That could happen well and quickly....or it could drag out and maybe happen or maybe not. I must admit, it makes me sad and a little mad too. I worked HARD over the ten years I spent there to build the choirs, the job itself, the budget (I'm leaving the choral foundation account at almost $20,000 which would normally be awesome), and being active in the community so that the choirs were respected. I'm proud to say we combined with the choirs of Xavier, Loyola, Tulane, The Baptist Seminary, Dillard, the Jefferson Chorale, the NOCCA School (New Orleans Center for the Creative Arts), and more during my ten years! Still, I know that this is the way of much in academia and also with many music positions on many educational institution levels today. 
While I truly hope that the choral area will rise again and go much further, I recognize it is no longer "mine" and that is very freeing.I know I did my best and did a good job! :-)
Ten years at any place is also quite respectable!
So, all these things are on my mind this morning - mostly giddy excitement though, as I drink from my new cup of Sewanee!

Never Take Life for Granted: Tomorrow is Not a Certainty, but TODAY I Am Happy

I'm sitting here pondering life. I should be working, but I'm not. It struck me yet again this morning how every day, every moment is truly a gift. So many of us take this for granted time and time again. I've always had an acute sense of time passing and its very vastness. Even as a child, I used to sit and "be" and just listen: to the sound of the waves, to the breeze under a starry sky, to the thoughts that came and went. Even so, I catch myself "suddenly" realizing yet again how brief our time on Earth is.
Tomorrow is not a certainty. 
I try to actively engage with life and not let my frustrations or ups & downs of particular situations peel away my inner peace and / or my excitement in general. This is easy or tough, depending on the day, but I try not to take ANY moment for granted. For the past couple of years, it's been every day that I've inhaled deeply and ask God where my journey was heading. 
Prayer is a privilege.
It allows us to connect with the Divine, a greater and eternal being, outside of ourselves. For me, this is God. The Holy Spirit is the aspect of the Trinity with whom I feel that I connect most closely. I am making a wild assumption here, but I feel that might not be common and that perhaps most people who believe in a Trinity feel more closely connected with either the Father or the Son.
                        
Think of how time - and I mean - Time as in ALL Time from the existence of anything and everything and continuing into an infinite future - think of how we fit onto this linear path. 
WE ARE SO SMALL.
It is breathtaking to me.
When I consider this, I am in sheer awe and amazement at life and being a part of it. It's what helps me live in today and live in the NOW.
Tomorrow isn't given, it is a hope.
I recently became a Postulant for the priesthood in The Episcopal Church! 
I AM SO OVERWHELMINGLY EXCITED AND HAPPY about this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After years of pondering this calling and either ignoring it or pushing it away in various ways, a few years of spiritual direction, a year of being an Aspirant, prayer, discernment committee meetings, more prayer, ponderings, journaling, seeking advice, and paperwork, I could not be happier about it! The past year has been very affirming for me and living into this call - out loud - has become pure joy! (It has also had moments of humor as I tell people I'm on the road to becoming "Parson Carson" :-) I am extremely grateful for those who have prayed for me and continue to do so. I'm also eternally grateful for my Bishop (Morris K. Thompson), my rector at St. Paul's Episcopal (Fr. Rob Courtney), my discernment committee, and my St. Paul's Choir. In my bishop, I find a kindred spirit, inspiration, and friend; in my rector an advocate and friend; in my friends, choir, and committee a family.

                        

It has long been my soul's hope that God could use me in ways other than through music (but still through it too!) and that it could be official and affirmed, although I do love my current career. I have no idea whether or not I will make it down this road, get into Seminary, get enough Financial Aid, or whether other factors will rise up and prove insurmountable, BUT for this time in my time:
I am happy!
I'll sign off with one of my most favorite words (with an added blessing):

My friends,

Life is short, and we do not have 

much time to gladden the hearts of

those who travel with us, so be quick to

love and make haste to be kind.

And may the blessing of the One who

... made us, and the One who loves us, and

the One who travels with us, be with

you and those you love this day and always.

AMEN.

Adapted from Henri-Frédéric Amiel (1821–1881)