My Summer 2017 - CPE and NYC

HA!...of course I forgot to share this so......my last few days in NYC were FANTABULOUS, especially my last day. I'm back in Sewanee now, have taken a personal retreat in two parts, and classes have begun - TODAY! More info on classes I'm taking at the very bottom of this post. 
Howdy y'all! :-)
Having only three days left here in NYC, I decided to put some of my thoughts of CPE and living in NYC mixed into a generic update on my summer. I've been way from home since the end of the spring semester in April and it's been pretty nonstop busy, but I do love that.

Back in the spring, I received two grants (Seminary Consultation on Mission and Episcopal Church Global Missions) to travel to the Philippines. With faculty support, I scheduled my exams early to make the trip. I'm in the process of writing about my journey and the work I did there so stay tuned to this blog (you can sign up via email on the right-hand side of the screen). I spent three weeks there and was able to visit and work with small remote villages, attend the national synod and write an ENS article about it, and learn about The Episcopal Church in The Philippines. It was FANTASTIC and I do hope to return!

Two weeks before I left though, my mother had a stroke in Charleston, SC. She was in and out of the ER for four days and it was an extremely stressful time. My brother and I worked hard to make sure she was receiving the care she needed for stroke recovery and other issues. After a month of waiting on certain documents, we finally received necessary paperwork and my brother was able to get things rolling with placing her in an assisted living facility. During my CPE (explained below) unit, I flew down from New York to clear out some of the house and move Mom’s things into storage while my brother dealt with other things on Mom’s behalf. In July, he was able to help her get to a facility in NC. She is doing extremely well in her new place and seems happy. I am also happy and grateful that she is receiving the care that she needs, has friends, and is enjoying activities there!!
In light of my Mom's health, I did discern much about whether or not I should go to the Philippines, but I had some help and advice and in the end, I decided to go. After returning, I immediately began my CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) program in New York on May 22. All Episcopal seminarians must complete a unit of CPE and it’s usually done the summer after the first year in the MDiv program. My CPE placement has been in New York at NYU Langone-Brooklyn Medical Center and I have been living in a room in East Williamsburg in Brooklyn. NYUL is a Level I trauma center and is widely known and respected for its stroke response and medical teams. Working here, I've been able to be part of rapid response teams and witness the efficient, caring, and holistic care the hospital provides. I've gotten to know patients and their families, some staff, and some docs. I've listened, prayed with and for, distributed communion, sat in silence, cried with, laughed with, been at bedsides where last breaths were taken, been at cribs where new babies cooed, and been there as fiances screamed at the sudden loss of their beloved. My CPE program consisted of 300 hours of volunteer chaplaincy work and 100 hours of class – not to mention the books, presentations, and papers! I was placed in the stroke/neurological wing and that was very interesting, but tough. The summer has been challenging, emotional, intense, filled with holy moments, and I have learned so so sooooo much. Many say that CPE is transformative and indeed it has been. Knowing that most of us had similar experiences is also an amazing part of the communal nature of the journey to priesthood in The Episcopal Church (and other denominations). I'm grateful that we can share threads of these deep experiences, similar challenges, and mutual growth in self-awareness and pastoral identity with each other and with our future congregations.

I finished both the class and volunteer hours as of August 1st, but stayed a little on as an NYUL chaplain for a bit. I love the work and I love living up here so I was excited to stay on! 

Some of the things I have loved while working at NYUL:
- Meeting patients from around the world and being a chaplain to them
- Feeling more affirmed in my pastoral identity
- Learning tools for interacting with people when they are in distress and/or grieving
- Establishing personal learning goals for working with people in ministry
- Learning more about interreligious chaplaincy as it pertains to healing
- Developing better self-awareness on many, MANY levels

- Being ok with silence in togetherness with patients
- Being part of the RRT - (rapid response team) and what helps make NYUL known for a center that provides holistic healing
- Learning from my CPE colleagues, my supervisors, patients, and hospital staff
- Being on-call in evening shifts...I found that I liked this very much.

Some of the things I have loved about living in New York are:
- Not having a car

- Iced coffee. I always disliked iced coffee until, quite suddenly, this summer, I began to love it and have become rather used to having it often!
- Student tickets to museums and some Broadway shows
- Cafes and shops on almost every corner
- Attending St. Mary the Virgin Church. It became apparent that many people didn't understand why I attended the same church each Sunday. I've been coming to NYC fairly often since 1989 so have attended many of the ones they recommended and after a whole year of attending a different church almost every Sunday, I REALLY felt like attending the same church all summer long and it was worth it. Lovely church, excellent rector (Stephen Gerth) and music (David Hurd, director). "Smokey Mary's" www.stmvirgin.org
- Many parks and quiet spots can be found...one simply has to look
- Seeing friends I know from New Orleans and New York
- The pizza (of course!)
- Having work here and feeling like I'm part of things and have a non-touristy purpose
- The diversity and hearing different languages all around me
- The many flowers I've found on my walks
- People don't look down upon you for using social media here
- People DO NOT care what you look like
- Free lunches for volunteers at the hospital. These have enabled me to save money all summer long and see shows and go to museums!
- There are beaches here...I had forgotten that!

Some things I don't like:
- It's ridiculously expensive
- Summer is HOT and I say that having lived in NOLA, Columbia, SC, and Atlanta, GA

It's MISERABLE though, b/c it seems as if few places have adequate air conditioning. While most subway trains are cool inside, the standing platforms where you wait are like OVENS. I am not exaggerating one bit
- Crazy people on the subway who ruin perfectly good rides
- Those times when well-meaning people have lists of things they think you should do in NYC, but you either can't or have differing tastes and motives
- Climbing all the steps....there are so many....tooooooo many

- Daily motion sickness riding the trains. Mine has always been pretty bad. I can handle most short train rides, though I sometimes feel a bit nauseous and exit with a really bad headache. I was glad for the 10-12 minute walk from the subway station to the hospital so that I could feel better each day before starting work
                     
I am very grateful to my host, an experienced staff NYUL chaplain. She let me afford living in her place this summer AND she let me bring my dear sweet Bluebell kitty up with me! She has two sweet kitties and everyone gets along :-)

When I return to Sewanee, I will do some much-needed apartment cleaning, finish getting books for the semester, have a couple of meetings, hopefully view the solar eclipse (it had better not be cloudy!), and more. One thing I am especially grateful for is that I have planned a personal retreat during the week before classes begin. YIPPEE! I’ll get to have an actual peaceful much-needed break, thanks to some very caring friends. 
We have a Quiet Day on Monday, August 28 and classes begin on Tuesday, August 29.
I'm taking the following classes:
- Pastoral Theology I
- Systematic Theology I
- A course on C.S. Lewis
- A ministry course called Transforming Congregations
- Foundations in Preaching and the preaching lab that goes with it
- I am attempting to take Arabic lessons this year, but not for credit
I'm very excited and have happy butterflies about returning and this second year!
                     
               

Summer 2017 update for St. Paul's

Dear St. Paul’s Family,

It’s time for an update from your Sewanee seminarian! First, I’d like to thank you for keeping me in your prayers and for your support of all that I am doing and learning. Much has gone on since I last saw you in December and wrote to you in the spring. First, I received two grants (Seminary Consultation on Mission and Episcopal Church Global Missions) to travel to the Philippines. With faculty support, I scheduled my exams early to make the trip. I am in the process of writing about my journey and the work I did there so stay tuned to this blog (you can sign up via email on the right-hand side of the screen). I spent three weeks there and was able to visit and work with small remote villages, attend the national synod and write an ENS article about it, and learn about The Episcopal Church in The Philippines. 

Two weeks before I left though, my mother had a stroke in Charleston, SC. She was in and out of the ER for four days and it was an extremely stressful time. My brother and I worked hard to make sure she was receiving the care she needed for progressive dementia and stroke recovery. After a month of waiting on certain documents, we finally received paperwork that was necessary to establish power of attorney and were able to get things rolling with placing her in an assisted living facility. I flew down from New York to clean out the house and move Mom’s things into storage while my brother dealt with selling the house on Mom’s behalf. In July, he was able to do that and Mom is now in a facility in Durham, NC, near my brother. She is doing extremely well in her new place and seems happy. I am happy and grateful that she is receiving the care that she needs!!!!
I discerned much about whether or not I should go to the Philippines, but I had some help and advice and in the end, I decided to go. After I returned, I immediately began my CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) program in New York on May 22. All seminarians must complete a unit of CPE and it’s usually done the summer after the first year in the MDiv program. My CPE placement has been in New York at NYU Langone-Brooklyn Medical Center and I have been living in a room in East Williamsburg in Brooklyn. NYUL is a Level I trauma center and is widely known and respected for its stroke response and medical teams. Working here, I have been able to be part of rapid response and witness the efficient, caring, and holistic care the hospital provides. My CPE program consisted of 300 hours of volunteer chaplaincy work and 100 hours of class – not to mention the books, presentations, and papers! I was placed in the stroke/neurological wing and that was very interesting, but tough. The summer has been challenging, emotional, intense, filled with holy moments, and I have learned so so sooooo much. Many say that CPE is transformative and indeed it has been.

I finished both the class and volunteer hours this past week and was asked to stay on as an NYUL chaplain until I leave New York in ten days. I love the work and I love living up here so I was excited to stay on! Our CPE unit graduation is this coming Tuesday, May 8th - please keep all chaplain residents and interns in your prayers.

Some of the things I have loved while working at NYUL are:

- Meeting patients from around the world and being a chaplain to them

- Feeling more affirmed in my pastoral identity

- Learning tools for interacting with people when they are in distress and/or grieving

- Establishing personal learning goals for working with people in ministry

- Learning more about interreligious chaplaincy as it pertains to healing

- Developing better self-awareness on many, MANY levels

- Being part of the RRT - the rapid response team and what helps make NYUL known for a center that provides holistic healing

- Learning from my CPE colleagues, my supervisors, patients, and hospital staff

- Being on-call...I found that I liked this very much. 

- Iced coffee. I always disliked iced coffee until, quite suddenly, this summer, I began to love it and have become rather used to having it often!

 
Some of the things I have loved about living in New York are:

- Not having a car

- Student tickets to museums and some Broadway shows

- Cafes and shops on every corner

- Many parks and quiet spots can be found,one simply has to look

- Seeing friends I know from New Orleans and New York

- The pizza (of course!)

- Having work here and feeling like I'm part of things

- The diversity and hearing different languages all around me

- The many flowers I've found on my walks

- People don't look down upon you for using social media here

- People DO NOT care what you look like

- Free lunches for volunteers at the hospital. These have enabled me to save money all summer long and see shows and go to museums!

- There are beaches here!

Some things I don't like:

- It's ridiculously expensive.

- Summer is HOT and I say that having lived in NOLA, Columbia, SC, and Atlanta, GA. It's MISERABLE though, b/c few places have adequate air conditioning and while most subway trains are cool inside, the standing platforms where you wait are like OVENS. I am not exaggerating one bit.

- Crazy people on the subway who ruin perfectly good rides.

- Those times when well-meaning people have lists of things they think you should do in NYC, but you either can't or have differing tastes and motives.

- Climbing all the steps....there are so many....tooooooo many.

                       

I am very grateful to my host, an experienced staff NYUL chaplain. She let me afford living in her place this summer AND she let me bring my dear sweet Bluebell kitty up with me! She has two sweet kitties and everyone gets along :-)

 

When I return to Sewanee, I will do some much-needed apartment cleaning, finish getting books for the semester, have a couple of meetings, hopefully view the solar eclipse, and more. One thing I am especially grateful for is that friends of mine will let me use their mountain cabin for a few days during the week before classes begin so I’ll get to have an actual peaceful much-needed retreat break. We have a Quiet Day on Monday, August 28 and classes begin on Tuesday, August 29. 

I'm taking the following classes:

- Pastoral Theology I

- Systematic Theology I

- A course on C.S. Lewis

- A ministry course called Transforming Congregations

- Foundations in Preaching and the preaching lab that goes with it

I'm very excited and have happy butterflies about returning and this second year!

I will be visiting New Orleans and St. Paul’s over Labor Day weekend and attending that Sunday’s 10:15 AM service so I hope to see you all in person!

                        

                 

A Collect for Coffee

A Collect for Coffee

~ Found on the coffee pot in the student commons room in Hamilton Hall at The Sewanee School of Theology with no author's credit given, therefore, Anonymous. I performed a Google search and did not find anything so, I present it here for all to read and share!

Almighty God, who in your mercy provides all things for our goodwill and maintenance, pour out your blessings upon the farmers, harvesters, distributors, roasters, and all others who participate in the manifold tasks required to provide your people with that most useful beverage, coffee, that we, your church, might continue to reap the benefits of this beverage for the glory of your kingdom and the sake of your only son, our savior Jesus Christ, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.

Photo by Caroline Carson, Cafe du Monde, New Orleans, LA

A Little CPE Reflection

I'll preface this by saying that it's a boiling hot summer day in NYC and I've a free day, but feel rather congested so I decided to stay home and write and watch a few movies later. I hope this makes some sense and either is of interest of helps those seeking CPE experiences. :-)

At the core of my personal theology resides two themes: that of our time being short upon this Earth and that of all humanity belonging to God and being comprised of a colorful collage of brokenness within it. I believe that our souls, our essences of spirit, are forms of sentient energy, separate, yet inextricably bound to our bodies….these bodies…these growing and learning, yet breakable and decaying bodies. We were created in the image of God, we are broken by our journey, and we will be healed in and by Christ’s breaking and rising. There is a temporal limit to our bodies and no one knows whether our souls existed before or will last afterwards. I choose to believe they live onward. I also believe that we are all children of God of equal standing in life and death. We are all born and we all die. There is no distinction and no division within Christ. Romans 3:22-25, “For there is no distinction, since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; they are now justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a sacrifice of atonement by his blood, effective through faith.” 

One aspect of what this means to me is that I am as broken as my fellow man. As a postulant, praying and studying to one day (God willing) become a priest, I am called to use my brokenness to minister to those paralyzed by the fear this brokenness may create. This summer unit of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE), has placed me in an extremely socio-economically and demographically diverse environment. I chose it. It was as close as I could get to doing my CPE in another country. I crave diversity of people and culture.

There are no seminary bubbles here. 
There are no remote and lush mountain hideaways here. 
Here, one is faced with everything and everyone and can embrace the truths of the raw and beautiful or of the hidden and ugly…basically all aspects of humanity. It continues to be very refreshing for my soul and I feel at home in the middle of it all. It is not easy though. I was placed in a stroke/neurological unit after my mother had a stroke. It has hit home HARD that our family has these tendencies toward strokes and dementia. There have been times I’ve relived my father’s death through witnessing someone else’s love done gasping for that last breath. I have seen dysfunctional family dynamics and it has been like a mirror to my own family. These were not events that I buried, not at all, but rather, events that, like grief, tend to resurface.

In a hospital environment, the brokenness of the body comes with the aching of the soul, the purest joy at rehabilitative progress, the deep sadness of parting, the humor from tired, slap-happy minds, the pain of needles, the happy tears of new and health birth, the stench of bodies, the warmth of blankets, the noise…and the silence. My calling to be a priest in this world has called me to pray, discern, and reflect. I am recognizing both strengths and growing edges of mine. Some of my gifts are  enthusiasm, listening, reflection, and energy. Some of my strengths have nothing to do with my gifts, but rather the progress I have made in some of my growing edges. Even the tiniest bit of self-awareness is something I consider as progress. The urge to fix, the uncertainty of pastoral identity, and the awareness of how my anxiety plays roles in various situations from the unknown, to the wanting-to-be-in-charge, to the yes/no questions preventing going deeper with patients – these have all been identified and are all being worked on. I am feeling more at home in my role as it is sculpted toward priesthood. I feel more comfortable with the constancy of human physical ailments, traumatic events, the dying process, and thinking and talking about death.

This feeling of home aligns with one of the themes we studied and read about in our CPE course books this summer, that of grief and the grieving process. [The books are: I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Wasn’t) by Brené Brown and All Our Losses, All Our Griefs by Mitchell and Anderson]. CPE has helped me to gain some tools to help me recognize when and how others are grieving. Grief does not simply take the form of physical death, but can also go along with change itself. I will grieve the loss of some of the ways I’ve done things and habits I’ve held. For example: in letting go of trying to fix things when I listen to suffering, I can become a vessel of God’s healing presence, allowing for an authenticity from the patient I’m with, an honesty and sincerity of feeling and emotion that they can express. I have re-learned in CPE that one of the most comforting things I can offer to someone is silence. Any words of comfort must be those that can let them open up their own experiences and find sacred space in which they can find their own path to God’s healing. Even if the person is not of any faith background, spiritual and sacred experiences can happen.

People need the holy. They need to know God cares for them, even in their grief and that God is there for them, even in their raw state of being. Having let down my fences through therapy in the past, I know how healing it can be to let go. Still, letting go, involves a type of grief over the loss of what you let go. What if you never had it to begin with? Can a person grieve over something they have never had? I propose that yes, we can in fact grieve the loss of something we have not actually had. It can be the loss of an imagined state, the loss of potential, or the loss of an opportunity for growth. During this summer of CPE and working with patients at the hospital, I have observed many people who have suddenly lost physical opportunities they did not consider until it became too late. They grieve in varying ways. CPE is teaching me to learn to sit with them in this grief instead of creating a false sort of bravery that keeps sorrow and death at a comfortable distance. By showing our vulnerability do we begin to reach the sacredness inside ourselves. By allowing others to do so without invasion, we allow them to experience release and healing. This allowance is a thin place in our emotional lives, enabling us to be truly connected with God and open to God’s interaction with all humanity. Once we are comfortable with our own vulnerability and our own sense of the holiness in ourselves, we can truly be home anywhere. By this, I mean that we may give ourselves, our souls, and our bodies to the God in everyone and every place we experience.

Some of the cultural and sociological observations I have include the following. I’ve seen no racial, age, or cultural issues arise, but I have seen gender issues while at NYUL. NYUL is a hospital open to all, but most of the patients are Catholic and many in this tradition prefer to have a male Catholic priest. Likewise, I have seen men in the Jewish faith or Muslim traditions prefer not to pastorally talk with a woman. It has been very interesting for me to see these dynamics. Because of my travels and personality, I can often provide pastoral support for these families even if they did not necessarily want to “see a chaplain”. Part of being a good leader is to know when to step back and when to follow and to do it willingly, both for the sake of respect and for learning. I was respected as an intern and included by response teams doctors, family, and others. I was invited to discussions, allowed to watch some therapy and some procedures, and grew comfortable and affirmed in my role.

Theologically, I saw God at this hospital….in patients, pastoral care team, staff, doctors, and more. I have been in hospitals many times, but this time being in a leadership capacity, I was able to step into others’ grieving process and witness transformation in progress. I did not see the end results of many of these processes, but having a glimpse into them was valuable. Chaplains are in a unique role of representing God and/or the Divine. Sometimes all we can do is to let a person know that the divine is still divine in the midst of their story. The sacred nature of this is the visceral reality of our own mortality. Again, we are all born and we all die. Where do we stand before God? How shall we live out our lives? The key for me is made of favorite quotes from Jonathan Swift and Henri Amiel.

May you live all the days of your life.
~ Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)

My friends, Life is short, and we do not have much time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us, so be quick to love and make haste to be kind. And may the blessing of the One who made us, and the One who loves us, and the One who travels with us, be with you and those you love this day and always. AMEN.
~ Adapted from Henri-Frédéric Amiel (1821–1881)

Below is one of my spiritual reflections after an evening shift at NYUL.

As soon as I walked out of the hospital, I could feel it and so I chose to walk slowly, savoring every moment. My whole 0.7 mile walk to the subway station this evening was a mystical and transcendent thin place. It's chilly, misting droplets filling the air, and the twilight fading into the night. The softness of the air. The hum of a streetlight. The hint of the idea of an Autumn out of place. The sounds of children playing. The smells of dinners. The oddity of civic fireflies that flickered over green garbage cans and brownstones. A multitude of languages, cars whooshing by, bells on shop doors dinging the way in or the way out, music of all sorts coming from a distance down every street, the smell of fresh laundry, and an occasional breeze in the trees. I'm so grateful to have moments like this! Moments of satisfying joy, a twinge of sadness, a breath of excitement - Moments that fill me with inexplicable longing, yet fill me with this transitory life itself. I walked from the past, through the present, and touched the future tonight. 
Thanks be to God.

Sometimes, we suit up for the protection of the patient or our protection.

Update for St. Paul's from Caroline :-)

Chapel of the Apostles (COTA)

Hi St. Paul's! :-) I hope this update finds you well and happy. I miss being with you: your welcoming smiles and laughs we share, seeing all the kids growing up, our wonderful services, Fr. Rob and Bishop Duncan and Fr. Ed, all my fellow staff members, the choir !!of course!!, and our beautiful church, but I am doing well here at seminary and truly loving it. Winter on this Holy Mountain has been beautiful and spring promises to be gorgeous. We even had a little now last weekend (LINK).

After I left you in December, I was able to participate in a choral tour of Israel and then use miles and hotel points to have an adventurous break in Egypt. Then, I drove to South Carolina where I visited my mother before returning to Sewanee.
Here are some links to the performance tour in case you'd like to know more about it!
1. Annelies, by James Whitbourn (tour) in Israel - LINK
2. Acre, Israel - LINK

Bull from Acre, Israel. Canaanite period

This spring I'm taking the second semesters of Old Testament (Dr. Rebecca Wright), New Testament (Dr. William Brosend), and Church History (Dr. Benjamin King). Our Junior class is also taking World Religions (Dr. Donna Mote). being exempt from the music course, I decided to take Environmental Ethics (Dr. Andrew Thompson). ALL of my professors are extremely BRILLIANT and I love them all!

Fun announcing Lent Madness (above) and New Testament class below)

Fr. Rob came to visit during during the Come & See recruitment program and I am eternally grateful to him for his time, listening ear, advice, care, humor, and so much more. It was so fun to introduce him to my professors and some friends here. It was also really wonderful to hear about St. Paul's and how you all are doing!

I've been practicing a bit of nature photography while here

Things are going very well and today is our first day of spring break (March 16 to 26). I have a TON of papers from now until the end of the semester so I will be working on some of them next week. I'm going to Atlanta with our World Religions class and professor this weekend for an immersion of various kinds of faiths and to attend some services. Next Monday through Wednesday, I'll be on my own schedule, do some hiking around the Sewanee domain, and work on some papers. Then, I'll drive to Raleigh-Durham where my brother and his family now live. I didn't get to see my precious neice Suki and nephew Jasper over Christmas so I'll see them next week and I can't wait!!!

Looking ahead, I'll be leaving on April 28th, the weekend before exams to travel to The Philippines! I received a grant from the Episcopal Seminary Consultation on Mission (SCOM) for a project in The Philippines this May. Don't worry, I made sure with deans and professors that it was ok to ask about leaving early AND to take exams and turn papers in early! Following that, my Clinical Pastoral Education assignment will be at Lutheran Medical Services of NY in Brooklyn. C.P.E. is a program that all seminarians must complete and it is usually about 400 hours in a clinical setting or another setting which lends opportunities for pastoral care and more. Our Junior class has assignments all over the country. My particular program runs from May 22 to August 8 so I won't be home in New Orleans until after August 8. WOW! It's also two days after I return from The Philippines, but I am quite used to cutting things closely :-) Lucky for me, my cute little Bluebell kitty cat will be able to come with me to New York this summer!

scenes from Taize at Sewanee     

I would love to hear from you! You can email me at choralmusicrules@hotmail.com or carsocp0@sewanee.edu or you can drop me a postcard sometime and let me know how you are doing!
My mailing address is:
335 Tennessee Avenue
School of Theology
Sewanee, TN, 37383
If you have time, please remember me in your prayers and send me positive energy!
All good things to you and stay tuned for future updates!

                                Making friends with goats during our Environmental Ethics class trek to the Sewanee farm!