A Sermon for Sept. 3, 2017 at St. Paul's Episcopal, New Orleans

Dr. Caroline Carson 4
Thirteenth Sunday after Pentecost
Year A
09.03.2017
Jeremiah 15:15-21
Psalm 26:1-8
Romans 12:9-21
Matthew 16:21-28

Good morning! I bring you a sermon crafted upon our holy mountain, exactly four days before my very first class on the Foundations of Preaching…

Through the written word, and the spoken word, may we know your Living Word: Jesus Christ our Savior. Amen

Today’s passage in the gospel of Matthew follows Peter’s statement that Christ is the Messiah; Jesus calling him the “rock” upon which he will build his church, and his giving him the keys to the kingdom of God. How’s Peter feeling right about now? Secure? With a stamp of approval? In control? The most memorable lines from today’s gospel passage are: “Get behind me Satan!” and “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.” It seemed rather harsh to me, going from a foundation rock to a stumbling block with “Get behind me Satan!” In the Greek however, the phrase is ambiguous and can mean “get out of my way” or “a cause to stray from whom he ought to trust” or maybe “keep following my leadership”. Calling Peter Satan basically calls him out at being adversarial to Jesus’ messianic role – he’s trying to pull Jesus away from death. This doesn’t go over well. Humanity needs Jesus on the cross. Peter has indeed just taken Jesus aside and spoken to him, almost as if he were in charge and not a disciple. Peter’s disappointment with what Jesus has just told them is evident. He enthusiastically loves Jesus. He has given up his family and possessions to follow him. He has made a grand and obvious commitment - so why not react strongly to Jesus’ informing the disciples that he will soon suffer - and even die? Peter is distracted and focused on himself and his relationship with Jesus, his being “all-in”. Maybe Peter is acting instinctively out of love for his friend…acting first, thinking later. I sure can personally identify with this trait. This is not always a bad thing though…acting quickly to save a life, acting instinctively for our own survival, acting out of love for another. We recognize his humanity and over time, we get used to Peter acting in earnest innocence and discovering that he has indeed moved or spoken too quickly.

God’s call, however, is more than rapid response performed with sincerity. Unfortunately though, we happen to be drawn to quick fixes… Who isn’t? God’s calling is much more than a quick fix of say…going to church, even regularly. More than praying every day or night. More than tithing. More even than any one sacrament except….except for living out our Baptismal covenant, long term. It is a calling that we ourselves, like John the Baptist says in the Gospel of John, must decrease - and Christ increase. It is more than “making room for Christ in our hearts”, the implication of which is that we are already so full that we must shove aside, not even rid ourselves of what we have collected, but shove aside and pack the spirit in - to squeeze God into our lives. We may even live a godly life and be infused with the spirit of Christ and his goodness, but, and really ask yourself: how much have we decreased inside ourselves and increased in the image of Christ? Just how do we go about denying ourselves and taking up our cross?

It is a call, in a sense, to be forgotten…a call to be forgotten. This is in the worldly sense, where we harbor any reservation whatsoever when asked to follow Christ and instead, we put ourselves first. Putting self-interest away, inviting the difficult, the different, the unknown – essentially inviting the uninvited into our lives. Not shunning challenges to our ways of interacting with people who are different from us or our loyalties… is the giving up of self for the greater good, for the sake of community. What about being willing to suffer or even die? It is a costly process. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the WWII era Lutheran minister who battled Nazi ideology in Germany, wrote in his book The Cost of Discipleship: “Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, Communion without confession, and absolution without personal confession. Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate. Such grace is costly because it calls us to follow, and it is grace because it calls us to follow Jesus Christ. It is costly because it costs a man his life, and it is grace because it gives a man the only true life. “

How many of us are really super eager…or even mildly eager, to take up our crosses? Our crosses are not likely to be physical persecution for our faith. How do we even know what and how multi-faceted our crosses are? Is it even right to equate and legitimize our own suffering with that of Christ’s? In the 21st century, the cross symbol itself has become a fashion statement as we don’t use crucifixion and are certainly removed from the Game of Thrones-like gruesome practice. Maybe you have taken up a cross…was it your own? Remember Simon of Cyrene set down Christ’s cross because it wasn’t his responsibility to the very end. So, Peter’s asking Jesus not to bear suffering and death was Jesus’s stumbling block. What are yours? Societal additions to material things, money, being right, winning? Physical or mental ailments? Loneliness? Depression? Fear of solitude? Fear of groups?

Some of my crosses were shaken and stirred during this summer’s clinical pastoral education course in NYC where I participated in a hundred hours of therapy-like examination, group discussion, and self-awareness training - basically moments of public emotional vomit - in addition to 300 hours as an NYU chaplain at a level I trauma center. Some of my many stumbling blocks are: anxiety, the need for approval, and super enthusiasm (that’s a positive and a negative for me). One you and I may share is the need to not be forgotten. Zing! That is an arrow right through that call to be forgotten, isn’t it? I do experience a certain freedom in seminary life that seems to show me that this vocation is authentic. But, I am deeply aware that self-denial is much broader and deeper than this. I’ve got my work cut out for me. Luckily, I know why I go to church. One of the many reasons is that here, “there is always room for one more” (Robertson). This church, this community of Christ-followers is the heart of opportunity to deny self. Following implies that there will be someone ahead to whom we reach out.

To you whose young ones will be baptized this morning: Your name may eventually become: “Walker’s Dad”, “Ella Grace’s parental units”, “Mary Margaret’s Momma”, “Madison’s progenitors”, or perhaps “Ellie’s antecedents”. You are here and part of this community. You are taking up your crosses and that of your infant kin. “The baptismal call for parents who baptize their infants is to take up their own crosses, because you are making promises this morning for yourselves as much as for your children. It’s also a call to bear the cross that parenting can be for a time, to carry it with and for your children until they are mature enough to take it up for themselves. Yet, the good news in all the bearing is” how much more have your souls increased because of these gifts.” (Courtney)

You are not alone. They will not be alone. As we accept your sons and daughters as new members of the body of Christ, as we all renew our Baptismal vows, the unison cry of “we will with God’s help” holds us equally in each other’s spirits. As the liturgy turns from darkness into light, we will not be alone. As we move from death in Christ into life into the same, we unite, UNITE, in the risk, in the discomfort of taking up the crosses of the spiritual forces of wickedness, sinful desires, our distrust, and we turn to Christ…..and he walks before and with us as we deny ourselves and follow him. As the old hymn says “In Christ there is no East or West, in Him no South or North, but one great fellowship of God, throughout the whole wide Earth”. Will you be called to be forgotten? For as you fade and decrease, it is God himself who will remember you.

“Lord Jesus Christ, fill us with your Holy Spirit, that we may be less of what we used to be, and that we may become more of what you want us to be. Amen”

Cost of Discipleship (Bonhoeffer)
Why Go to Church (Robertson)
BCP
Thayer’s Greek Lexicon / Strong’s NT

Thank you for reading!

A Prayer for Quiet Confidence

A Prayer for Quiet Confidence

O God of peace, who has taught us that in returning and rest we will be saved, in quietness and confidence will be our strength: By the might of your Spirit lift us, we pray, to your presence, where we may be still and know that you are God; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

~ Book of Common Prayer

A Prayer for Quiet Confidence

A Prayer for Quiet Confidence

O God of peace, who has taught us that in returning and rest we will be saved, in quietness and confidence will be our strength: By the might of your Spirit lift us, we pray, to your presence, where we may be still and know that you are God; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

~ Book of Common Prayer

Bay Ridge in Brooklyn at sunset, CPE summer 2017

A Little CPE Reflection

I'll preface this by saying that it's a boiling hot summer day in NYC and I've a free day, but feel rather congested so I decided to stay home and write and watch a few movies later. I hope this makes some sense and either is of interest of helps those seeking CPE experiences. :-)

At the core of my personal theology resides two themes: that of our time being short upon this Earth and that of all humanity belonging to God and being comprised of a colorful collage of brokenness within it. I believe that our souls, our essences of spirit, are forms of sentient energy, separate, yet inextricably bound to our bodies….these bodies…these growing and learning, yet breakable and decaying bodies. We were created in the image of God, we are broken by our journey, and we will be healed in and by Christ’s breaking and rising. There is a temporal limit to our bodies and no one knows whether our souls existed before or will last afterwards. I choose to believe they live onward. I also believe that we are all children of God of equal standing in life and death. We are all born and we all die. There is no distinction and no division within Christ. Romans 3:22-25, “For there is no distinction, since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; they are now justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a sacrifice of atonement by his blood, effective through faith.” 

One aspect of what this means to me is that I am as broken as my fellow man. As a postulant, praying and studying to one day (God willing) become a priest, I am called to use my brokenness to minister to those paralyzed by the fear this brokenness may create. This summer unit of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE), has placed me in an extremely socio-economically and demographically diverse environment. I chose it. It was as close as I could get to doing my CPE in another country. I crave diversity of people and culture.

There are no seminary bubbles here. 
There are no remote and lush mountain hideaways here. 
Here, one is faced with everything and everyone and can embrace the truths of the raw and beautiful or of the hidden and ugly…basically all aspects of humanity. It continues to be very refreshing for my soul and I feel at home in the middle of it all. It is not easy though. I was placed in a stroke/neurological unit after my mother had a stroke. It has hit home HARD that our family has these tendencies toward strokes and dementia. There have been times I’ve relived my father’s death through witnessing someone else’s love done gasping for that last breath. I have seen dysfunctional family dynamics and it has been like a mirror to my own family. These were not events that I buried, not at all, but rather, events that, like grief, tend to resurface.

In a hospital environment, the brokenness of the body comes with the aching of the soul, the purest joy at rehabilitative progress, the deep sadness of parting, the humor from tired, slap-happy minds, the pain of needles, the happy tears of new and health birth, the stench of bodies, the warmth of blankets, the noise…and the silence. My calling to be a priest in this world has called me to pray, discern, and reflect. I am recognizing both strengths and growing edges of mine. Some of my gifts are  enthusiasm, listening, reflection, and energy. Some of my strengths have nothing to do with my gifts, but rather the progress I have made in some of my growing edges. Even the tiniest bit of self-awareness is something I consider as progress. The urge to fix, the uncertainty of pastoral identity, and the awareness of how my anxiety plays roles in various situations from the unknown, to the wanting-to-be-in-charge, to the yes/no questions preventing going deeper with patients – these have all been identified and are all being worked on. I am feeling more at home in my role as it is sculpted toward priesthood. I feel more comfortable with the constancy of human physical ailments, traumatic events, the dying process, and thinking and talking about death.

This feeling of home aligns with one of the themes we studied and read about in our CPE course books this summer, that of grief and the grieving process. [The books are: I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Wasn’t) by Brené Brown and All Our Losses, All Our Griefs by Mitchell and Anderson]. CPE has helped me to gain some tools to help me recognize when and how others are grieving. Grief does not simply take the form of physical death, but can also go along with change itself. I will grieve the loss of some of the ways I’ve done things and habits I’ve held. For example: in letting go of trying to fix things when I listen to suffering, I can become a vessel of God’s healing presence, allowing for an authenticity from the patient I’m with, an honesty and sincerity of feeling and emotion that they can express. I have re-learned in CPE that one of the most comforting things I can offer to someone is silence. Any words of comfort must be those that can let them open up their own experiences and find sacred space in which they can find their own path to God’s healing. Even if the person is not of any faith background, spiritual and sacred experiences can happen.

People need the holy. They need to know God cares for them, even in their grief and that God is there for them, even in their raw state of being. Having let down my fences through therapy in the past, I know how healing it can be to let go. Still, letting go, involves a type of grief over the loss of what you let go. What if you never had it to begin with? Can a person grieve over something they have never had? I propose that yes, we can in fact grieve the loss of something we have not actually had. It can be the loss of an imagined state, the loss of potential, or the loss of an opportunity for growth. During this summer of CPE and working with patients at the hospital, I have observed many people who have suddenly lost physical opportunities they did not consider until it became too late. They grieve in varying ways. CPE is teaching me to learn to sit with them in this grief instead of creating a false sort of bravery that keeps sorrow and death at a comfortable distance. By showing our vulnerability do we begin to reach the sacredness inside ourselves. By allowing others to do so without invasion, we allow them to experience release and healing. This allowance is a thin place in our emotional lives, enabling us to be truly connected with God and open to God’s interaction with all humanity. Once we are comfortable with our own vulnerability and our own sense of the holiness in ourselves, we can truly be home anywhere. By this, I mean that we may give ourselves, our souls, and our bodies to the God in everyone and every place we experience.

Some of the cultural and sociological observations I have include the following. I’ve seen no racial, age, or cultural issues arise, but I have seen gender issues while at NYUL. NYUL is a hospital open to all, but most of the patients are Catholic and many in this tradition prefer to have a male Catholic priest. Likewise, I have seen men in the Jewish faith or Muslim traditions prefer not to pastorally talk with a woman. It has been very interesting for me to see these dynamics. Because of my travels and personality, I can often provide pastoral support for these families even if they did not necessarily want to “see a chaplain”. Part of being a good leader is to know when to step back and when to follow and to do it willingly, both for the sake of respect and for learning. I was respected as an intern and included by response teams doctors, family, and others. I was invited to discussions, allowed to watch some therapy and some procedures, and grew comfortable and affirmed in my role.

Theologically, I saw God at this hospital….in patients, pastoral care team, staff, doctors, and more. I have been in hospitals many times, but this time being in a leadership capacity, I was able to step into others’ grieving process and witness transformation in progress. I did not see the end results of many of these processes, but having a glimpse into them was valuable. Chaplains are in a unique role of representing God and/or the Divine. Sometimes all we can do is to let a person know that the divine is still divine in the midst of their story. The sacred nature of this is the visceral reality of our own mortality. Again, we are all born and we all die. Where do we stand before God? How shall we live out our lives? The key for me is made of favorite quotes from Jonathan Swift and Henri Amiel.

May you live all the days of your life.
~ Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)

My friends, Life is short, and we do not have much time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us, so be quick to love and make haste to be kind. And may the blessing of the One who made us, and the One who loves us, and the One who travels with us, be with you and those you love this day and always. AMEN.
~ Adapted from Henri-Frédéric Amiel (1821–1881)

Below is one of my spiritual reflections after an evening shift at NYUL.

As soon as I walked out of the hospital, I could feel it and so I chose to walk slowly, savoring every moment. My whole 0.7 mile walk to the subway station this evening was a mystical and transcendent thin place. It's chilly, misting droplets filling the air, and the twilight fading into the night. The softness of the air. The hum of a streetlight. The hint of the idea of an Autumn out of place. The sounds of children playing. The smells of dinners. The oddity of civic fireflies that flickered over green garbage cans and brownstones. A multitude of languages, cars whooshing by, bells on shop doors dinging the way in or the way out, music of all sorts coming from a distance down every street, the smell of fresh laundry, and an occasional breeze in the trees. I'm so grateful to have moments like this! Moments of satisfying joy, a twinge of sadness, a breath of excitement - Moments that fill me with inexplicable longing, yet fill me with this transitory life itself. I walked from the past, through the present, and touched the future tonight. 
Thanks be to God.

Sometimes, we suit up for the protection of the patient or our protection.

Clinical Pastoral Education in New York!

In The Episcopal Church, the rich journey to priesthood usually contains the vital, and sometimes dreaded, element of CPE. This stands for Clinical Pastoral Education and often consists of work as a chaplain at either a hospital or medical center. Many other denominations also include CPE and many place it in the summer after the first year in semniary.The hours in my program have been divided into 100 hours of class and "Didactic days" while the remaining 300 are spent being and chaplain at a hospital. The National Association of Clinical Pastoral Education (ACPE) has a list of most CPE programs and presents standards for spiritual care and education for professionals and people seeking to become professionals in any faith tradition or setting. CPE is a form of theological education. While it can lead to professional chaplaincy, it is important for faith leaders to have experiential learning and actually have a chance to practice ministry. Gaining insights of self-awareness and that of others is important to both giving and receiving care.

I chose the New York Lutheran Services Alliance for my program. It's in New York and is an extremely diverse program. I'm working at New York University Langone (formerly NYU Lutheran) hospital in the Bay Ridge area of Brooklyn, NY.  My classes are held on the upper west side area of Riverside at The Interchurch Center. 

I'm loving my experience, both in the program and in New York and Brooklyn. It's been valuable. I have not liked everything about it and certain things are still growing on me (verbatims, for one), but overall, I am personally finding it a pastorally-validating, mindfullness-creating, rewarding, journey-through-the-emotions type of experience. Long ago, I worked extremely hard on my boundaries between teaching and taking things home. I learned, the hard way, not to take everything with me all of the time. I did not realize how much my previous work and therapy had helped me until I began to notice other colleagues struggling with some things. Here, this time, I have not taken things home and spent time (other than prayer) on them. 

I have, in fact, managed somehow to have a bit of a life here in New York. 

   

Lucky for me, I have a support system, including my sweet Bluebell kitty and some friends in NYC. I am very fortunate that the person from whom I'm renting allowed me to bring Bluebell with me. My friends are mostly busy or on vacation outside of the area, but I have managed to see some of them for dinner, coffee, a harbour cruise (this one), or a Broadway show. I'm able to do those things because my lunches are provided at the hospital (as a volunteer) and being a VSG-er, I eat tiny meals so get plenty of mileage from the salads I get! So, I'll write some more about the CPE experience another time, but: so far, so good.

Update for St. Paul's from Caroline :-)

Chapel of the Apostles (COTA)

Hi St. Paul's! :-) I hope this update finds you well and happy. I miss being with you: your welcoming smiles and laughs we share, seeing all the kids growing up, our wonderful services, Fr. Rob and Bishop Duncan and Fr. Ed, all my fellow staff members, the choir !!of course!!, and our beautiful church, but I am doing well here at seminary and truly loving it. Winter on this Holy Mountain has been beautiful and spring promises to be gorgeous. We even had a little now last weekend (LINK).

After I left you in December, I was able to participate in a choral tour of Israel and then use miles and hotel points to have an adventurous break in Egypt. Then, I drove to South Carolina where I visited my mother before returning to Sewanee.
Here are some links to the performance tour in case you'd like to know more about it!
1. Annelies, by James Whitbourn (tour) in Israel - LINK
2. Acre, Israel - LINK

Bull from Acre, Israel. Canaanite period

This spring I'm taking the second semesters of Old Testament (Dr. Rebecca Wright), New Testament (Dr. William Brosend), and Church History (Dr. Benjamin King). Our Junior class is also taking World Religions (Dr. Donna Mote). being exempt from the music course, I decided to take Environmental Ethics (Dr. Andrew Thompson). ALL of my professors are extremely BRILLIANT and I love them all!

Fun announcing Lent Madness (above) and New Testament class below)

Fr. Rob came to visit during during the Come & See recruitment program and I am eternally grateful to him for his time, listening ear, advice, care, humor, and so much more. It was so fun to introduce him to my professors and some friends here. It was also really wonderful to hear about St. Paul's and how you all are doing!

I've been practicing a bit of nature photography while here

Things are going very well and today is our first day of spring break (March 16 to 26). I have a TON of papers from now until the end of the semester so I will be working on some of them next week. I'm going to Atlanta with our World Religions class and professor this weekend for an immersion of various kinds of faiths and to attend some services. Next Monday through Wednesday, I'll be on my own schedule, do some hiking around the Sewanee domain, and work on some papers. Then, I'll drive to Raleigh-Durham where my brother and his family now live. I didn't get to see my precious neice Suki and nephew Jasper over Christmas so I'll see them next week and I can't wait!!!

Looking ahead, I'll be leaving on April 28th, the weekend before exams to travel to The Philippines! I received a grant from the Episcopal Seminary Consultation on Mission (SCOM) for a project in The Philippines this May. Don't worry, I made sure with deans and professors that it was ok to ask about leaving early AND to take exams and turn papers in early! Following that, my Clinical Pastoral Education assignment will be at Lutheran Medical Services of NY in Brooklyn. C.P.E. is a program that all seminarians must complete and it is usually about 400 hours in a clinical setting or another setting which lends opportunities for pastoral care and more. Our Junior class has assignments all over the country. My particular program runs from May 22 to August 8 so I won't be home in New Orleans until after August 8. WOW! It's also two days after I return from The Philippines, but I am quite used to cutting things closely :-) Lucky for me, my cute little Bluebell kitty cat will be able to come with me to New York this summer!

scenes from Taize at Sewanee     

I would love to hear from you! You can email me at choralmusicrules@hotmail.com or carsocp0@sewanee.edu or you can drop me a postcard sometime and let me know how you are doing!
My mailing address is:
335 Tennessee Avenue
School of Theology
Sewanee, TN, 37383
If you have time, please remember me in your prayers and send me positive energy!
All good things to you and stay tuned for future updates!

                                Making friends with goats during our Environmental Ethics class trek to the Sewanee farm!                                 

Advent and Christmas 2016

For Advent and Christmas 2016, I was extremely fortunate to take a break from things and see tons of friends. The morning after exams ended and university concerts were finished here at Sewanee, I drove to New Orleans for the start of my 33-day break. Honestly I cannot remember when I've had such a lengthy break. As a university professor, we got about two weeks and most of that was filled with concerts and their corresponding rehearsals so it felt like a lot less!

This year, I arrived on a Saturday evening and then had three events on Sunday! I attended concerts instead of singing in them and this was a bit odd, but really nice to just sit and relax while watching friends do the work :-)
I filled my time with reading, seeing friends, and music. I spent lots of time at St. Paul's Episcopal, my sending parish. I helped with the festival of Nine Lessons & Carols and while it was wonderful, it felt a bit odd. I can see congregation growth already. It felt odd not to have my own space there any more, and to be out all day and over there or in coffee shops and libraries between meet-ups, but of course everyone was super welcoming and it still felt like home.

NOLA Winter Sky by Caroline Carson

I am lucky and grateful to my friends Ryan (for letting me stay in his apt. with my own room!) and Paul & Jacqueline (for taking care of my dear Bluebell kitty). Having peace of mind was the best gift I could ask for! Christmas Eve was my traditional three-service evening. First, I sang at St. Paul's (Lakeview), then at Christ Church Cathedral (Uptown), and finally at Immaculate Conception Jesuit Church (downtown). I'd say the most awkward part of it all was sitting in Metairie Starbucks between services and just feeling lonely. That in itself is nothing new. I'd never have been able to make it downtown in time for dinner somewhere and I needed a break anyway so I just stayed on one side of town for a bit.
Christmas Day, after a nice morning service at St. Paul's, I picked up some lunch and 
TOOK A NAP.
It was heaven! Then, I went to my friends Louise & T's house where they were having family over. The next day the three of us left to fly to Jerusalem to join a choral performance tour which I'll write about in the next post :-) Overall, it was a FANTASTIC few weeks being back home and among friends who are family!!!! It was such a relief and a joy!

How is it MARCH 2017 already?!

OF COURSE all my blogging plans went out the window during exam week and then again during the rest of Advent, Christmas, and Epiphany! Here I go again, starting up after the hiatus. :-)

Photo by Caroline Carson, November, 2016

Exams - difficult, but we made it through and my first semester of seminary is in the books!
Advent & Christmas in NOLA - FANTASTIC! I conducted a NOLA Civic Symphony concert, saw tons of friends, sang at St. Paul's, Christ Church Cathedral, and Immaculate Conception Jesuit Church. 
Travel - Choral performance tour with Larry Wyatt & COLA VOCE to Israel. From there, I used airline miles and hotel points to explore Egypt.
Spring semester - It's started well and while only one paper has been turned in, it's about to get CRAZY with something big due each week from now til the end of the spring. 
OTHER - It's Lent so I'll be writing about my personal disciplines in the next few days.

Life is Brilliant!

So....where to begin....?!
It must be midterms, HA! #SeminaryLife 
Since the last time I've written, I have traveled a bit, seen some terrific friends, attended a glorious wedding, survived two midterms (well, pending one grade return!) Summer has gone and Fall is turning, there's a refreshing chill in the breeze, and light fades earlier.

Sewanee hosted the former Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams, as the 2016 DuBose lecturer and I got to work on the social media team. I live-tweeted each lecture, got to meet Rowan Williams, and got to know a few of my colleagues a little better. They are amazing and talented folks! We had a few "reading days" surrounding the lecture days where we could catch up on work and study while also on sleep and other "life things". The whole week was a fantastic experience!

Despite all the goodness, the past week was hard. I wasn't sleeping well, the attempts at staying up late into the night for extra studying failed, and I had taken two whirlwind trips which set up a joyful juxtaposition with varying friends and walks of life that made me a little homesick when I left each place (St. Louis and New Orleans.)
I also had several distinct opportunities to observe people and their behaviors as well as examining my own. I have learned a ton in the "School of Life". Body language, habits, schmoozing, happy reunions, cheerful banter, gossip, assumptions, and forgetfulness. I witnessed chauvinism AND chivalry, basically life. I am an E/I-NFJ personality, but the 'I' was emphasized to the extreme, especially at the DuBose dinner/dance. For a 45-year old, I felt very nervous and back to college days....or even high school prom days. Pretty much, the only such upscale affairs I've attended since then have been concerts etc. at which I've been singing or conducting. Even though I am almost always a positive person and many times a confident one, I found myself nervous.......usually, I love it! It was rather petty of me, but I felt woefully underdressed - my shoes were the simple ones I wear daily, my purse a disaster, tearing at the strap, and I hadn't even noticed that one flutter of my dress was actually torn (and I'd never had it fixed). My hair was a mess. I was a mess, but it didn't matter in the end. Thank goodness for positive and encouraging people taking the time out for conversation, for new friends, and for fun professors! I was eventually very glad that I attended :-)
The daily stresses peaked last Thursday when our class had a midterm. Afterwards, virtually everyone disappeared and the quietness was overwhelming. I couldn't even find any dogs to pet along the way home! 
Images of high school again flashed back to me. I remember standing near the buses, waiting for my ride home and how starkly deserted the school was. I remember feeling sad that I had to go home for an entire weekend. I loved school. I love school again now and it was striking to me that after all the energy of the week was over, I felt that same way for a whole two days (Thurs and Fri). I recognized it though and consciously joined friends for lunch. Later, I attended Thursday's Community Eucharist and though I was the only single person there, I still automatically felt better just being around people and wow, their kids made a huge difference! There was actually a great feeling of community (good for a community Eucharist, eh?) Friday evening, I attended a neighbor's Compline & Wine (and a hilarious run of Cards Against Humanity).The group was about 18 people and lots of fun. 
The next day, I thought a great deal about why I had felt so oddly listless and foreboding about the coming weekend. After all, I needed rest and I needed sleep. I also needed to catch up on readings. I have not ever felt homesickness in my entire life so......why now?

I think it has to do with the fact that I live by myself and it was the sudden and overly-pronounced thought of facing a whole weekend alone, without people - this was what I wasn't looking forward to. Over my solitary years, that has indeed arisen every now and then. There was no specific longing for another place/home. Not seeking pity, folks, nope. It's just a fact of life that we are happy or bored or saddened or up or down at various times in our lives. It happened a great deal when I lived in Milledgeville. This feeling happened occasionally in New Orleans as well. It was always a little funny to me because on random other weekends, and truthfully, MOST of them, I relished having down time to myself after a busy week. Even THIS past weekend ended up being JUST what I needed: time alone to think, recharge, do errands, sleep, read, finish homework, dream, and ponder life etc. 

So, this weekend, I did those things: slept in, did errands, straightened up a bit, cooked, played with Bluebell, took a NAP, and somehow managed to do ALL of my reading for the entire week so I may now focus solely on my paper for Church History and the regular events coming up! YAY! I also reminded myself how thankful I am to be here in this gorgeous place with all of the new friends, professors, and learning experiences! 
Life is SO SHORT - one needs to always live it to the fullest. What I continue to learn is that sometimes, living life to the fullest includes resting and time for self, even if you already live alone. Also, while I am comfortable with myself and I like living by myself, it doesn't preclude a natural slump every now and then. Recognizing that and that it is normal is as important as reaching out to others when you need to do so.
Life.
Life is brilliant! :-)

God is Here

As I finish my third week of classes at the Sewanee School of Theology, I am typing away some time in the computer lab while my laundry dries down the hallway :-) With this "free time" comes an odd feeling.....am I forgetting a meeting? Is there some place I should be right now? What should I currently be working on? This meme sums it up all too perfectly:

I am pondering the new environments into which I have come...

There are many. 

They are exhilarating.

They are intimidating.

They are a challenge.

They are an adventure.

They are God-filled.

- Chapel services in the COTA (Chapel of the Apostles): Morning Prayer, Eucharist, Evening Prayer, Taize, other. I am so lucky to have the privilege to worship at such a beautifully-organized and executed level and so regularly. The singing is terrific and the Anglican chants are moving smoothly. All the sermons I've heard have been excellent. I love to hear my fellow classmates read or to watch them serve as chalice-bearer. If only I had the stamina to attend everything! As it stands currently, I am doing what I feel that I can with regards to stabilizing my schedule, fatigue, homework etc. Still, I've gone to about 3/4 of the services thus far. There is simple beauty in sitting still and breathing before each service. Gathering your thoughts, opening up a space for the spirit to move. 

It didn't feel right not to go to Evening Prayer tonight and so...
I thank God for that!

- Classes: Each level of class has its own atmosphere (and humor), but everyone seems open to hearing from each other and all of my professors are BRILLIANT. In fact, my classmates are BRILLIANT and magnificently articulate. I love that there's a quote board and that our junior class has already populated it a bit!
- Classmate groupings: Sewanee is so so sooooooooooo welcoming and inclusive. It is idyllic in one sense and just plain friendly in another. There is also a community cookout each week, a community garden, a chess club, mission society, intramural football team, choir, and so much more for everyone. Nothing is forced either. I appreciate being asked to attend things, but also being understood if I simply need to chill on my porch and stare up at the treetops. (That's awesome, by the way.)

- Nature....literally the environment of Sewanee and the diversity of the Cumberland Plateau.....all the trees, bugs, and outside stuff! It's a TON of breathtaking diversity of creation and beauty.
As much as I love being outside....that lovely nature.....so much nature.....well, let's just say I'm cool with it as long as it stays out of my apartment. 
(I love nature, really I do....)
The baby snakes inside the apartment, not so much.
Giant spiders....NOPE.
Spiders that apparently FLY/FLOAT on webs and puffs of air. I experienced this today.
TRAUMATIC.
Thanks, God.
But I didn't faint...so there's hope. 
And there was encouragement (and humor) from fellow classmates.
And there was God, turning my attitude a bit. Thank you, God.
I'm learning that the Cumberland Plateau is one of the most diverse areas of the US. I had rarely seen praying mantises before this week and now I've seen three. I had never seen Walking Stick insects and now I seem to live in the midst of a Walking Stick convention. Seriously. They are everywhere. 
Meet Jacques...

Video of Jacques talking a walk.....across the porch...

My awe in God's creation is being touched and renewed.
The space inside myself is slowly cracking back open as I get settled and make connections.

I'll end these ponderings with a few words from Fred Pratt Green and his hymn "God is Here". I'm singing it to the tune Abbott's Leigh. It fits what I'm not eloquent enough to state.....plus my laundry is probably ready now...

God is here! As we his people

meet to offer praise and prayer,

may we find in fuller measure

what it is in Christ we share:

Here, as in the world around us, 

all our varied skills and arts 

wait the coming of His Spirit 

into open minds and hearts 

Here are symbols to remind us 

of our lifelong need of grace; 

here are table, font and pulpit, 

here the cross has central place. 

Here in honesty of preaching, 

here in silence, as in speech, 

here in newness and renewal 

God the Spirit comes to each.

To Nap or Not to Nap... (After 16 days at Seminary)

View of storm from the Cumberland Plateau

Today's one of those Saturdays where I would have loved to sleep in. In fact, I truly need to catch up on sleep because now that seminary orientation, Quiet Day, Matriculation, and the first week of classes have all come and gone, I am a bit sleep-deprived. Last night featured lots of fun and new friends together for a fun community cookout and big birthday party too!

All Saints Chapel in Sewanee

Nevertheless, it was not to be. My new neighbor's music was loud and constant from 6 AM onward. So, by 8 AM, I had decided to leave and drive to Manchester, TN to explore a bit and pick up a few more necessary items at the Walmart there. 

                               

I found a couple of farmer's markets while there and bought a few things: muscadines from a nice man playing the autoharp, honey & lip balm from a local beekeeper, and lemon bread & a peach fritter from a nice grandmother .

St. Bede's Episcopal Church in Manchester, TN

I found the local Episcopal church, St. Bede's, and decided that I'll attend there tomorrow morning! After exploring the town and finishing errands, I cam on back and straightened up the apartment, fixed my sink drain, sprayed some more for bugs and spiders (I have a feeling this is going to be VERY regular up here!) and dozed a bit after starting the crock pot on a delicious roast for later. 

I'm loving being here! Everyone is so nice and our 2019 class is full of super smart folks. The choir has begun and the director, Kenneth Miller, is outstanding, both as organist and rehearsal technician. It's going to be great to sing for him. I'm really very happy about that as I was worried that I'd be picking apart every choral thing and feeling like I'd want to jump up and fix things. Those feelings will surely arise every now and then, but I'm happy that Professor Miller is excellent :-)

I also love all my other professors. EVERYONE is BRILLIANT. Wow. It is truly and deeply humbling. I'm a bit worried about getting behind already because the vocabulary and amount of assumed knowledge and reading history is MUCH higher than I expected. I bought a book on an "Introduction to Theology" and will be buying a dictionary so I can try to catch up behind the scenes on some of the basics which every one else seems to have already. There are more than a few students in my class who majored in Philosophy or Classics and they all are very well-read. Even though I have a D.M.A. degree, the learning curve is STEEP right now.

Chapel of the Apostles, Sewanee School of Theology

Chapel services are plentiful and well-arranged. Sermons have been terrific and thought-provoking. I've gotten to read and be a chalice bearer once in a noonday Eucharist and that was both exciting and a little scary since the community is new to me and everyone is both listening and watching intently!

Fontastic....

I have two work study positions and they are:
1- sing in the choir! (YAY!)
2- social media and photography! (YAY!)
Here are some albums I've taken already:
1- Seminary's Quiet Day and Matriculation 2016 (none from during the service from me)
2- Jonathan Myrick Daniels Pilgrimage 2016

Last night, a fellow student's suggestion (Garrett Boyte) of raising funds for Episcopal Relief and Development to be given for Louisiana flooding was realized in the weekly community cookout. My rector in NOLA at St. Paul's Episcopal asked his friend Jude Tauzin from Tony Chachere's if they could donate anything and they sent a GIANT box of spices, jambalaya mix, and koozy's. 

                                       

Garrett made a ton of delicious jambalaya, another student in my class, Forbes Mann, made tasty boudin balls, and I made chocolate walnut pralines! Over $1500 was raised because lots of folks came out, the seminary's St. Luke's Mission committee agreed to match raised funds up to $500, and the Dean got us to the level we needed to have them match! It was a great success!

It HAS been busy indeed. It's hard for me to fathom that I've only been here since the evening of August 11th! Only 16 days and SO MUCH HAS BEEN GOING ON!
Please keep me, my fellow classmates, and our tremendous faculty and staff in your prayers! 

A beautiful misty Sewanee morning