Forgotten

Found this poem on the Hello Poetry website. It fits how I'm feeling this Friday afternoon completely. SO. COMPLETELY. It's been a super hard week, but a terrific week. I've got tons going on and for me. I'm whining a bit though. I am reminded that there are millions who feel this way every hour of the day. I would not wish that upon anyone, but I know it's likely many feel it. Frankly, I know not everyone can have all days be fantastic and I"m sure it will make the great times feel greater, but it stinks while you're down. Today, someone changed an appt., another rainchecked a lunch (good reason), and someone else's word choice about something minor was poor and left me feeling terrible. Last year, the question was: how many times does one hint around being included before one simply stops asking? Today brought some of that back. Everything was unintentional I am quite sure, I do know that. Still, it's been a rough day. I'm allowed to have them and it always brings me to prayer and ponderings with God. Yes I shed some tears. I needed to and now I feel better. It's not a bowl of roses now, but it' not as bad as I make it out to be. I hope whoever wrote the poem below is feeling better and I hope I do and if you're having a down sort of day or moment, I hope you will soon feel better too! Hang in there!

anonymous crazy person thingy Feb 2015
FORGOTTEN

Forgotten.
"I didn't realise you weren't there"
"I actually forgot all about you"
"I'm so sorry I forgot our appointment"
How many times
Can one be forgotten?
Oblivion is the state of being completely forgotten,
They say it comes with death
Yet I have achieved it in life.

A Little CPE Reflection

I'll preface this by saying that it's a boiling hot summer day in NYC and I've a free day, but feel rather congested so I decided to stay home and write and watch a few movies later. I hope this makes some sense and either is of interest of helps those seeking CPE experiences. :-)

At the core of my personal theology resides two themes: that of our time being short upon this Earth and that of all humanity belonging to God and being comprised of a colorful collage of brokenness within it. I believe that our souls, our essences of spirit, are forms of sentient energy, separate, yet inextricably bound to our bodies….these bodies…these growing and learning, yet breakable and decaying bodies. We were created in the image of God, we are broken by our journey, and we will be healed in and by Christ’s breaking and rising. There is a temporal limit to our bodies and no one knows whether our souls existed before or will last afterwards. I choose to believe they live onward. I also believe that we are all children of God of equal standing in life and death. We are all born and we all die. There is no distinction and no division within Christ. Romans 3:22-25, “For there is no distinction, since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; they are now justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a sacrifice of atonement by his blood, effective through faith.” 

One aspect of what this means to me is that I am as broken as my fellow man. As a postulant, praying and studying to one day (God willing) become a priest, I am called to use my brokenness to minister to those paralyzed by the fear this brokenness may create. This summer unit of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE), has placed me in an extremely socio-economically and demographically diverse environment. I chose it. It was as close as I could get to doing my CPE in another country. I crave diversity of people and culture.

There are no seminary bubbles here. 
There are no remote and lush mountain hideaways here. 
Here, one is faced with everything and everyone and can embrace the truths of the raw and beautiful or of the hidden and ugly…basically all aspects of humanity. It continues to be very refreshing for my soul and I feel at home in the middle of it all. It is not easy though. I was placed in a stroke/neurological unit after my mother had a stroke. It has hit home HARD that our family has these tendencies toward strokes and dementia. There have been times I’ve relived my father’s death through witnessing someone else’s love done gasping for that last breath. I have seen dysfunctional family dynamics and it has been like a mirror to my own family. These were not events that I buried, not at all, but rather, events that, like grief, tend to resurface.

In a hospital environment, the brokenness of the body comes with the aching of the soul, the purest joy at rehabilitative progress, the deep sadness of parting, the humor from tired, slap-happy minds, the pain of needles, the happy tears of new and health birth, the stench of bodies, the warmth of blankets, the noise…and the silence. My calling to be a priest in this world has called me to pray, discern, and reflect. I am recognizing both strengths and growing edges of mine. Some of my gifts are  enthusiasm, listening, reflection, and energy. Some of my strengths have nothing to do with my gifts, but rather the progress I have made in some of my growing edges. Even the tiniest bit of self-awareness is something I consider as progress. The urge to fix, the uncertainty of pastoral identity, and the awareness of how my anxiety plays roles in various situations from the unknown, to the wanting-to-be-in-charge, to the yes/no questions preventing going deeper with patients – these have all been identified and are all being worked on. I am feeling more at home in my role as it is sculpted toward priesthood. I feel more comfortable with the constancy of human physical ailments, traumatic events, the dying process, and thinking and talking about death.

This feeling of home aligns with one of the themes we studied and read about in our CPE course books this summer, that of grief and the grieving process. [The books are: I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Wasn’t) by Brené Brown and All Our Losses, All Our Griefs by Mitchell and Anderson]. CPE has helped me to gain some tools to help me recognize when and how others are grieving. Grief does not simply take the form of physical death, but can also go along with change itself. I will grieve the loss of some of the ways I’ve done things and habits I’ve held. For example: in letting go of trying to fix things when I listen to suffering, I can become a vessel of God’s healing presence, allowing for an authenticity from the patient I’m with, an honesty and sincerity of feeling and emotion that they can express. I have re-learned in CPE that one of the most comforting things I can offer to someone is silence. Any words of comfort must be those that can let them open up their own experiences and find sacred space in which they can find their own path to God’s healing. Even if the person is not of any faith background, spiritual and sacred experiences can happen.

People need the holy. They need to know God cares for them, even in their grief and that God is there for them, even in their raw state of being. Having let down my fences through therapy in the past, I know how healing it can be to let go. Still, letting go, involves a type of grief over the loss of what you let go. What if you never had it to begin with? Can a person grieve over something they have never had? I propose that yes, we can in fact grieve the loss of something we have not actually had. It can be the loss of an imagined state, the loss of potential, or the loss of an opportunity for growth. During this summer of CPE and working with patients at the hospital, I have observed many people who have suddenly lost physical opportunities they did not consider until it became too late. They grieve in varying ways. CPE is teaching me to learn to sit with them in this grief instead of creating a false sort of bravery that keeps sorrow and death at a comfortable distance. By showing our vulnerability do we begin to reach the sacredness inside ourselves. By allowing others to do so without invasion, we allow them to experience release and healing. This allowance is a thin place in our emotional lives, enabling us to be truly connected with God and open to God’s interaction with all humanity. Once we are comfortable with our own vulnerability and our own sense of the holiness in ourselves, we can truly be home anywhere. By this, I mean that we may give ourselves, our souls, and our bodies to the God in everyone and every place we experience.

Some of the cultural and sociological observations I have include the following. I’ve seen no racial, age, or cultural issues arise, but I have seen gender issues while at NYUL. NYUL is a hospital open to all, but most of the patients are Catholic and many in this tradition prefer to have a male Catholic priest. Likewise, I have seen men in the Jewish faith or Muslim traditions prefer not to pastorally talk with a woman. It has been very interesting for me to see these dynamics. Because of my travels and personality, I can often provide pastoral support for these families even if they did not necessarily want to “see a chaplain”. Part of being a good leader is to know when to step back and when to follow and to do it willingly, both for the sake of respect and for learning. I was respected as an intern and included by response teams doctors, family, and others. I was invited to discussions, allowed to watch some therapy and some procedures, and grew comfortable and affirmed in my role.

Theologically, I saw God at this hospital….in patients, pastoral care team, staff, doctors, and more. I have been in hospitals many times, but this time being in a leadership capacity, I was able to step into others’ grieving process and witness transformation in progress. I did not see the end results of many of these processes, but having a glimpse into them was valuable. Chaplains are in a unique role of representing God and/or the Divine. Sometimes all we can do is to let a person know that the divine is still divine in the midst of their story. The sacred nature of this is the visceral reality of our own mortality. Again, we are all born and we all die. Where do we stand before God? How shall we live out our lives? The key for me is made of favorite quotes from Jonathan Swift and Henri Amiel.

May you live all the days of your life.
~ Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)

My friends, Life is short, and we do not have much time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us, so be quick to love and make haste to be kind. And may the blessing of the One who made us, and the One who loves us, and the One who travels with us, be with you and those you love this day and always. AMEN.
~ Adapted from Henri-Frédéric Amiel (1821–1881)

Below is one of my spiritual reflections after an evening shift at NYUL.

As soon as I walked out of the hospital, I could feel it and so I chose to walk slowly, savoring every moment. My whole 0.7 mile walk to the subway station this evening was a mystical and transcendent thin place. It's chilly, misting droplets filling the air, and the twilight fading into the night. The softness of the air. The hum of a streetlight. The hint of the idea of an Autumn out of place. The sounds of children playing. The smells of dinners. The oddity of civic fireflies that flickered over green garbage cans and brownstones. A multitude of languages, cars whooshing by, bells on shop doors dinging the way in or the way out, music of all sorts coming from a distance down every street, the smell of fresh laundry, and an occasional breeze in the trees. I'm so grateful to have moments like this! Moments of satisfying joy, a twinge of sadness, a breath of excitement - Moments that fill me with inexplicable longing, yet fill me with this transitory life itself. I walked from the past, through the present, and touched the future tonight. 
Thanks be to God.

Sometimes, we suit up for the protection of the patient or our protection.

Life is Brilliant!

So....where to begin....?!
It must be midterms, HA! #SeminaryLife 
Since the last time I've written, I have traveled a bit, seen some terrific friends, attended a glorious wedding, survived two midterms (well, pending one grade return!) Summer has gone and Fall is turning, there's a refreshing chill in the breeze, and light fades earlier.

Sewanee hosted the former Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams, as the 2016 DuBose lecturer and I got to work on the social media team. I live-tweeted each lecture, got to meet Rowan Williams, and got to know a few of my colleagues a little better. They are amazing and talented folks! We had a few "reading days" surrounding the lecture days where we could catch up on work and study while also on sleep and other "life things". The whole week was a fantastic experience!

Despite all the goodness, the past week was hard. I wasn't sleeping well, the attempts at staying up late into the night for extra studying failed, and I had taken two whirlwind trips which set up a joyful juxtaposition with varying friends and walks of life that made me a little homesick when I left each place (St. Louis and New Orleans.)
I also had several distinct opportunities to observe people and their behaviors as well as examining my own. I have learned a ton in the "School of Life". Body language, habits, schmoozing, happy reunions, cheerful banter, gossip, assumptions, and forgetfulness. I witnessed chauvinism AND chivalry, basically life. I am an E/I-NFJ personality, but the 'I' was emphasized to the extreme, especially at the DuBose dinner/dance. For a 45-year old, I felt very nervous and back to college days....or even high school prom days. Pretty much, the only such upscale affairs I've attended since then have been concerts etc. at which I've been singing or conducting. Even though I am almost always a positive person and many times a confident one, I found myself nervous.......usually, I love it! It was rather petty of me, but I felt woefully underdressed - my shoes were the simple ones I wear daily, my purse a disaster, tearing at the strap, and I hadn't even noticed that one flutter of my dress was actually torn (and I'd never had it fixed). My hair was a mess. I was a mess, but it didn't matter in the end. Thank goodness for positive and encouraging people taking the time out for conversation, for new friends, and for fun professors! I was eventually very glad that I attended :-)
The daily stresses peaked last Thursday when our class had a midterm. Afterwards, virtually everyone disappeared and the quietness was overwhelming. I couldn't even find any dogs to pet along the way home! 
Images of high school again flashed back to me. I remember standing near the buses, waiting for my ride home and how starkly deserted the school was. I remember feeling sad that I had to go home for an entire weekend. I loved school. I love school again now and it was striking to me that after all the energy of the week was over, I felt that same way for a whole two days (Thurs and Fri). I recognized it though and consciously joined friends for lunch. Later, I attended Thursday's Community Eucharist and though I was the only single person there, I still automatically felt better just being around people and wow, their kids made a huge difference! There was actually a great feeling of community (good for a community Eucharist, eh?) Friday evening, I attended a neighbor's Compline & Wine (and a hilarious run of Cards Against Humanity).The group was about 18 people and lots of fun. 
The next day, I thought a great deal about why I had felt so oddly listless and foreboding about the coming weekend. After all, I needed rest and I needed sleep. I also needed to catch up on readings. I have not ever felt homesickness in my entire life so......why now?

I think it has to do with the fact that I live by myself and it was the sudden and overly-pronounced thought of facing a whole weekend alone, without people - this was what I wasn't looking forward to. Over my solitary years, that has indeed arisen every now and then. There was no specific longing for another place/home. Not seeking pity, folks, nope. It's just a fact of life that we are happy or bored or saddened or up or down at various times in our lives. It happened a great deal when I lived in Milledgeville. This feeling happened occasionally in New Orleans as well. It was always a little funny to me because on random other weekends, and truthfully, MOST of them, I relished having down time to myself after a busy week. Even THIS past weekend ended up being JUST what I needed: time alone to think, recharge, do errands, sleep, read, finish homework, dream, and ponder life etc. 

So, this weekend, I did those things: slept in, did errands, straightened up a bit, cooked, played with Bluebell, took a NAP, and somehow managed to do ALL of my reading for the entire week so I may now focus solely on my paper for Church History and the regular events coming up! YAY! I also reminded myself how thankful I am to be here in this gorgeous place with all of the new friends, professors, and learning experiences! 
Life is SO SHORT - one needs to always live it to the fullest. What I continue to learn is that sometimes, living life to the fullest includes resting and time for self, even if you already live alone. Also, while I am comfortable with myself and I like living by myself, it doesn't preclude a natural slump every now and then. Recognizing that and that it is normal is as important as reaching out to others when you need to do so.
Life.
Life is brilliant! :-)

Have you ever rejoiced in the simple fact that you exist?

Have you ever rejoiced in the simple fact that you exist? 
Be....What does it mean to take time to just "be".....not to "be with" or "be for" or "let it be". Think about it, we exist in a habitable zone at JUST the right distance from the Sun, and have had JUST the right amount of time to evolve into intelligent beings (though levels of intelligence are sometimes in question with all the messes we get ourselves into as a planet....global warming, violence, world strife and poverty.) Just HOW lucky are we? Our Sun and our Earth are actually an unlikely pair for supporting life. As a habit, we take many things for granted, including our existence.We would like to think that they will always be there...or perhaps even worse, we go about our daily lives, more than slightly oblivious to the precious and fragile nature of our lives. It would be reassuring to know that our galaxy is full of clever creatures and others with technology and that we might hope for communication. In fact, we do hope. 

However, for the present time, we are all we know. 
Made in the likeness of a divine being, God, we exist. 
Let us give thanks!

What makes Earth such a perfect home? Well, here are some reasons. 
Take a moment and tell those you love that you love them. Take a moment to say thanks to God, to family, friends, teachers, mentors, pets, and yourself. Consider all that is and has been and will possibly be....and meditate upon the fact that you exist. Be kind to one another, even if you disagree. Be a good citizen. Be a good neighbor. Grant yourself permission to rejoice in the wonder of life itself, the joy in all of creation, and the joy in one another. 

We are temporary.
We are fragile.
We are here together on this Pale Blue Dot. 

If that isn't something to be happy about, I don't know what is! 

God is Here

As I finish my third week of classes at the Sewanee School of Theology, I am typing away some time in the computer lab while my laundry dries down the hallway :-) With this "free time" comes an odd feeling.....am I forgetting a meeting? Is there some place I should be right now? What should I currently be working on? This meme sums it up all too perfectly:

I am pondering the new environments into which I have come...

There are many. 

They are exhilarating.

They are intimidating.

They are a challenge.

They are an adventure.

They are God-filled.

- Chapel services in the COTA (Chapel of the Apostles): Morning Prayer, Eucharist, Evening Prayer, Taize, other. I am so lucky to have the privilege to worship at such a beautifully-organized and executed level and so regularly. The singing is terrific and the Anglican chants are moving smoothly. All the sermons I've heard have been excellent. I love to hear my fellow classmates read or to watch them serve as chalice-bearer. If only I had the stamina to attend everything! As it stands currently, I am doing what I feel that I can with regards to stabilizing my schedule, fatigue, homework etc. Still, I've gone to about 3/4 of the services thus far. There is simple beauty in sitting still and breathing before each service. Gathering your thoughts, opening up a space for the spirit to move. 

It didn't feel right not to go to Evening Prayer tonight and so...
I thank God for that!

- Classes: Each level of class has its own atmosphere (and humor), but everyone seems open to hearing from each other and all of my professors are BRILLIANT. In fact, my classmates are BRILLIANT and magnificently articulate. I love that there's a quote board and that our junior class has already populated it a bit!
- Classmate groupings: Sewanee is so so sooooooooooo welcoming and inclusive. It is idyllic in one sense and just plain friendly in another. There is also a community cookout each week, a community garden, a chess club, mission society, intramural football team, choir, and so much more for everyone. Nothing is forced either. I appreciate being asked to attend things, but also being understood if I simply need to chill on my porch and stare up at the treetops. (That's awesome, by the way.)

- Nature....literally the environment of Sewanee and the diversity of the Cumberland Plateau.....all the trees, bugs, and outside stuff! It's a TON of breathtaking diversity of creation and beauty.
As much as I love being outside....that lovely nature.....so much nature.....well, let's just say I'm cool with it as long as it stays out of my apartment. 
(I love nature, really I do....)
The baby snakes inside the apartment, not so much.
Giant spiders....NOPE.
Spiders that apparently FLY/FLOAT on webs and puffs of air. I experienced this today.
TRAUMATIC.
Thanks, God.
But I didn't faint...so there's hope. 
And there was encouragement (and humor) from fellow classmates.
And there was God, turning my attitude a bit. Thank you, God.
I'm learning that the Cumberland Plateau is one of the most diverse areas of the US. I had rarely seen praying mantises before this week and now I've seen three. I had never seen Walking Stick insects and now I seem to live in the midst of a Walking Stick convention. Seriously. They are everywhere. 
Meet Jacques...

Video of Jacques talking a walk.....across the porch...

My awe in God's creation is being touched and renewed.
The space inside myself is slowly cracking back open as I get settled and make connections.

I'll end these ponderings with a few words from Fred Pratt Green and his hymn "God is Here". I'm singing it to the tune Abbott's Leigh. It fits what I'm not eloquent enough to state.....plus my laundry is probably ready now...

God is here! As we his people

meet to offer praise and prayer,

may we find in fuller measure

what it is in Christ we share:

Here, as in the world around us, 

all our varied skills and arts 

wait the coming of His Spirit 

into open minds and hearts 

Here are symbols to remind us 

of our lifelong need of grace; 

here are table, font and pulpit, 

here the cross has central place. 

Here in honesty of preaching, 

here in silence, as in speech, 

here in newness and renewal 

God the Spirit comes to each.

When I am among the trees ~ Mary Oliver

In our New Testament Class, Dr. Bill Brosend opens by praying through poetry. I love this! Here is one of the poems he used recently.

When I Am Among The Trees

When I am among the trees,

especially the willows and the honey locust,

equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,

they give off such hints of gladness.

I would almost say that they save me, and daily.

I am so distant from the hope of myself,

in which I have goodness, and discernment,

and never hurry through the world

but walk slowly, and bow often.

Around me the trees stir in their leaves

and call out, “Stay awhile.”

The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,

“and you too have come

into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled

with light, and to shine.”

- Mary Oliver (b. 1935)

A Cup of Sewanee

This isn't just ANY ole cup of coffee.... it's a cup of I'M GOING TO SEWANEE COFFEE!! 

Honestly, I can't believe it! I am SO EXCITED and HAPPY! It's almost surreal...it is indeed a dream and lately, I have been catching myself occasionally stopping mid-thought and finding myself grinning and pondering my new journey of postulancy with rapid heartbeats and wonder. No joke that this is a dream of mine. I fell in love with Sewanee: The University of the South in 1988 when I was a senior in Porter-Gaud High School (Charleston, SC) and when I visited, it was my first choice. I had been planning to major in music and something else, not sure what. I was even thinking about keyboard at the time, having had a tiny bit of piano training. I remember I wrote my application essay on mentorship and role models and used Angela Lansbury as my example of success complemented with living. I had been a fan of her roles in fun mysteries and also in Sweeney Todd.
Well, it was not to be yet. I received a scholarship, but it was basically book money. My parents made too much to qualify for most types of loans, yet not enough to afford expensive places such a Sewanee or Emory at the time. My brother was also still at home for a few more years and finances had always been tough. Anyway, I ended up having to go to "the dreaded state school" which, at the time, was a peer-pressured shame at the prep school I was attending. Now, I think anything goes and of COURSE I understood - even at the time - that where you attend college often doesn't matter as much as what you make of it when you're there. So, I wasn't about to go to Clemson (nope!) because I was already a USC Gamecock fan like my Dad so I chose USC. At first, I was rather disillusioned at having my dream swiped from underneath my feet and I didn't know what major to choose or how to like this school. My parents thought I should choose something where I'd be able to make a living so I liked Biology and chose that, thinking I'd become a virologist and maybe could cure the common cold. (Now, actually THAT would be insanely awesome, had it happened, but I like people WAAAAAAY more than petri dishes). After a year, I was hooked on USC and I am a HUGE Gamecock fan!  A bio-pre-med major, it took me almost three years to find my way to music and I was only able to convince myself I could do a music major because....wait for it.....

There was no required recital in the music education track.

What a cop out. Well, not really...I had so much more stage fright then than I do now - even though now I still have a TON. To think that I went from that to eventually getting a doctorate in conducting is a pretty amazing transformation. (I joyfully returned to USC after an MM at Emory!)
So, after a brief time as a French major and a Psychology major (like a month or two each), I came into music and was hooked. I still am. In fact, one of the things that "sold it" in my period of Episcopal discernment was in October 2013, I suddenly realized that I didn't have to give up being a musician. What?! YAY!

I identify with being a conductor and singer now and probably always will to some degree. 

That REALLY opened up my heart!

Now, I felt free and able to hear God's call more clearly and I am SO HAPPY now because I feel MUCH freer to move forward to where I'm being called. My vision of ministry has increased like the outward circles from something dropping in a pond, getting richer and more amazing with each layer and all the while strengthening that innermost layer. I cannot wait to take courses and learn from the faculty and my fellow classmates. 
Formation - I need it! 
Knowledge - I need it!
The beautiful mountain - I need it!
Ohhhhh and there's this: the exciting fact that I received my Sewanee housing assignment yesterday!

More anticipation!!! It's a tiny apartment on the edge of campus, but it has two windows, a nicer kitchen than I have now, and a couple of built-in drawers in the bedroom so perhaps I can sell my dresser, which would be GREAT! It is what I asked for! I can't wait to find out more about it and see exactly what it looks like but I am thrilled to know where I'll be and it makes it all the more real!

Cleaning out my UNO office is also making things super real. I have a TON of stuff, especially books and music. I'm pretty proud that I whittled down an entire 4-shelf bookshelf of choral sheet music to a 1/2 box. That's great for me, considering I have extreme sentimental value associated with 90% of everything. :-) 

I will have to ask at church if anyone has any room in a garage or attic to store some boxes of books for me, but I might be able to stack bookshelves and may be doing that in both the bedroom and the living room. Time will tell.

One thing I've learned that does make me sad is that my position of Director of Choral Activities at UNO is being adjuncted out and there is not any information as to whether or not the position itself is going away or if they will do a search (which I hope they do!), or if it will simply morph into a choral/music ed position once the new School of the Arts is on track and fully functioning with admins in place, financial development, and more faculty and staff. That could happen well and quickly....or it could drag out and maybe happen or maybe not. I must admit, it makes me sad and a little mad too. I worked HARD over the ten years I spent there to build the choirs, the job itself, the budget (I'm leaving the choral foundation account at almost $20,000 which would normally be awesome), and being active in the community so that the choirs were respected. I'm proud to say we combined with the choirs of Xavier, Loyola, Tulane, The Baptist Seminary, Dillard, the Jefferson Chorale, the NOCCA School (New Orleans Center for the Creative Arts), and more during my ten years! Still, I know that this is the way of much in academia and also with many music positions on many educational institution levels today. 
While I truly hope that the choral area will rise again and go much further, I recognize it is no longer "mine" and that is very freeing.I know I did my best and did a good job! :-)
Ten years at any place is also quite respectable!
So, all these things are on my mind this morning - mostly giddy excitement though, as I drink from my new cup of Sewanee!

For Peace Among the Nations

Today, I offer some simple ponderings :-)

A butterfly and a caterpillar on plants in the breeze at The Audubon Zoo, NOLA

Life is good, isn't it... Life, this short time of existence in community on a fragile planet in a fortunately habitable zone. An infinitesimal fleck of matter and spark of momentary awareness in the vast cosmic realm. Life is SO SHORT for us. The only thing that makes this brevity bearable in our social, political, technological, and global adolescence is ourselves. We have each other. I dream of what is impossible in my lifetime: one open world with distinction rather than divisiveness. I dream of borderless equilibrium where strife, poverty, and fear of each other no longer exist, yet uniqueness remains and is celebrated. It would take one or two thousand years, but it could happen. 

NASA: Earth, east

I love to explore other cultures and learn from people different than myself. I find different ways of living and alternately functioning societal structures fascinating. Thus far in my life, I've been to 30 countries. Soon, I will take a very exciting trip! 
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED about this trip and a bit nervous as well. I will be teaching music, visiting choirs, working with youth to plan worship service presentations, sharing fun times and knowledge, and I will also be giving presentations as a NASA Solar System Ambassador in the school systems! What a FABULOUS opportunity! Still, I know that where I'm going, as an American, presents its own set of problems and I have been mentally preparing for them. I feel certain I will be safe, but there are always chances that something could happen which could change that.I would be remiss if I did not address that. It's not a place where single women, especially Americans, travel on their own very much, if at all. Folks are saying "Oh you're so brave"! I am pretty unafraid at times, but it can indeed be mixed. Still, I feel very strongly called to go there. I have ever since I met the leader of the community I'll visit. I want to show them that we are the same. People are people. I want to be a bridge and one of love. I've tried to do that in my own life between people, programs, and more. We can each do our part.
This June, I'll travel to Israel on my first pilgrimage to the Holy Land! I am so greatly blessed by God, people, by opportunities, and by my own energy and initiative to create more opportunities. II'm living and leading a great life. 
I write all of these thoughts today because I am simply pondering life and in particular, my life. I think it's healthy to do that periodically. We never know how long we have and seriously, EVERY DAY is a gift, every single one. If you are reading this, I wish you a big hug and I wish you peace, happiness, and hope!

A prayer for peace in our world (from the Church of England)

Make your ways known upon earth, Lord God,

your saving power among all peoples.

Renew your Church in holiness

and help us to serve you with joy.

Guide the leaders of all nations,

that justice may prevail throughout the world.

Let not the needy be forgotten,

nor the hope of the poor be taken away.

Make us instruments of your peace

and let your glory be over all the earth. Amen

In Calm and Storm

"There are some things you learn best in calm and some in storm."

~ Willa Cather

View of the Rapti river in Chitwan, Nepal at the edge of the Tharu village

#AdventWord #REFLECT - Shine Up Our Mirrors to the World

Today's #AdventWord is #REFLECT
I think they probably mean 'reflect upon', as in 'consider', but it made me think of reflections and mirrors instead. We always have a choice in what we reflect back upon the world from going through a particular experience, from hearing opinions difference from our own, from judgement, etc. It's good to consider that other people learn from us, and not just the young and super impressionable, but all people. They see how we behave, how we judge, how we carry ourselves, or how we act when others may or may not be in our presence. 
                        
Then, I thought of Christmas and this seasonal time which includes so much shopping, traffic, interactions under stress, and more. People are pushed to the point of being frenzied. Our patience and limits are tested. "Being Christian" popped into my head. I've seen so many examples (on and off Facebook) of people pushed to the edge who show a passionate release of anger, general complaining, or overt harshness.The "crowd mentality" works both ways though - showing waves of those who express something people don't agree with and then the waves of reaction and commentary. Always the yin & yang.

"Being Christian" carries with it a world of meaning and actions, and, in my opinion, is supposed to promote a high regard for the well-being of all people. Guess what? Many other world religions are also centered upon the same principles of peace and brotherly love. In my situation in the U.S., I'm very fortunate to be able to worship easily and be at peace when and where I choose to pray or to attend church. The reflections around me now are usually strong and good, but they have not always been mirroring love and equal high regard for all people. Even in the U.S., it isn't always as easy for others in certain locations or if you are any sort of minority. Why is this? Who are our models? 

Who should they be? 

If we were all indeed reflecting the teaching of Christ all the time, then we might be in a better position to reflect his ways.The simple act of being Christian is an act of courage in places where Christianity is not welcome. Sometimes it can be a heavy task to NOT reflect what is around us. All the reflections over the ages have brought our world to the point we are now and are still messy, more like shards of glass reflecting in every direction. Still, this can create a natural collective beauty when the reflections and things we choose to mirror will be natural, uncontrived, and will lead us to eventual peace. We are still evolving in this world. Are we yet unfinished? Consider the powers of influence and actions and use them for good: as an individual, as an ideology, as a nation, as one world. The undisturbed reflection of the stalwart mountain below is from my visit to Zion Canyon in 2012. Simple, pure, and upside down. I find it just as beautiful as my usual conception of what a mountain "should be". 

Reflection of a mountain in a puddle at Zion Canyon, October 2012.

‪#‎Episcopal‬ ‪#‎Anglican‬ ‪#‎SSJE‬ ‪#‎EDOLA‬ AdventWord was created by SSJE (The Society of St. John the Evangelist) and is the Anglican Communion's Global Advent Calendar. I'm using it as a daily meditation, prayer, photo post, and a way to connect in spirit to millions during this season of light and hope. You can join me in creating your own. Just take a picture and post it with the day's AdventWord tags! Click HERE for their website and for their daily AdventWords. 

#AdventWord #SHINE - Ponderings for December 11, 2015

Today's #AdventWord is #SHINE

"In order for the light to shine so brightly, darkness must also be present"
~Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

It seems that we, as humans and as battling civilizations, we have spent much of our existence in the dark. I feel that even though we continue this, we live in an age of light, awareness, and knowledge. Now, though we struggle with darkness, absence of love, apathy, and the fear of the unknown, we live in the light. Christ gave us that. We are about to celebrate his light entering the world. In a way, it seems to make Advent a season of darkness, again - awaiting the light, especially because we have placed it at the time of year when night falls so rapidly and we are literally living in more darkness (at least until the winter solstice!) 

These words are all over Advent in the liturgy and in my musical selections so can't help but think of these words from Matthew 4:16 
"The people living in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned."

...and these from Isaiah 9:2-7 
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.
You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy;
they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest,
as warriors rejoice when dividing the plunder.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the greatness of his government and peace there will be no end.

Venus and Crescent Moon: 12/7/15, Carson

‪#‎Episcopal‬ ‪#‎Anglican‬ ‪#‎SSJE‬ ‪#‎EDOLA‬ AdventWord was created by SSJE (The Society of St. John the Evangelist) and is the Anglican Communion's Global Advent Calendar. I'm using it as a daily meditation, prayer, photo post, and a way to connect in spirit to millions during this season of light and hope. You can join me in creating your own. Just take a picture and post it with the day's AdventWord tags! Click HERE for their website and for their daily AdventWords.

#AdventWord #WORSHIP

Today's #AdventWord is #WORSHIP - Friday, December 4, 2015

AdventWord was created by SSJE (The Society of St. John the Evangelist) and is the Anglican Communion's Global Advent Calendar. I'm using it as a daily meditation, prayer, photo post, and a way to connect in spirit to millions during this season of light and hope. You can join me in creating your own. Just take a picture and post it with the day's AdventWord tags! Click HERE for their website and for their daily AdventWords.

#AdventWord #SSJE

#AdventWord #REPENT - Simple Ponderings for December 3, 2015

Today's #AdventWord is #REPENT - December 3, 2015
I'm beginning today with the words of Br. Robert L'Esperance because they are better than anything I can come up with! AdventWord featured them on their calendar today!

"In Advent, we are called to more clearly engage the subject of God’s judgment; we are challenged to realize that we have sinned and are in need of God’s forgiveness. God’s judgment is his love and his truth. If we would hook into God’s love, we must walk through the door of repentance and forgiveness."
– Br. Robert L’Esperance

My ponderings: Repentance is sincere remorse or regret. It involves reviewing your actions and feeling regret or sorrow at something done or left undone. In exploring further, I found that it has been connected (perhaps a bit wrongly so, as in a slanted rhyme?) with the idea of having a "change of mind" which from Greek, is metanoia and THAT word is rather loaded with meanings. Metanoia leads to a process of positive psychological rebuilding or healing and does not necessarily have the layers of heaviness, sorrow, or regret associated with the word repent. I wonder how many times, Biblically, there are instances of the word "repent" used when a state of metanoia is required. Hmmm. 

Mind. Blown.

This is going to change the way I think about repentance in general and "turning" away from bad habits. It also makes me feel differently about our Episcopal Confession of Sin found in the Book of Common Prayer. Here is that text:

Most merciful God,

we confess that we have sinned against you

in thought, word, and deed,

by what we have done,

and by what we have left undone.

We have not loved you with our whole heart; 

we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. 

We are truly sorry and we humbly repent. 

For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ, 

have mercy on us and forgive us; 

that we may delight in your will, 

and walk in your ways, 

to the glory of your Name. 

Amen.

Today, I'm also feeling this piece, the Canticle of "The Turning", an Irish tune, standing out in my thoughts so I will share it with you. It's actually not such a bad piece for Advent, although I slightly dislike both recordings. I have a unison version that I like so maybe we will sing it again soon at St. Paul's.

Recording 1.

Recording 2. 

AdventWord was created by SSJE (The Society of St. John the Evangelist) and is the Anglican Communion's Global Advent Calendar. I'm using it as a daily meditation, prayer, photo post, and a way to connect in spirit to millions during this season of light and hope. You can join me in creating your own. Just take a picture and post it with the day's AdventWord tags! Click HERE for their website and for their daily AdventWords.

#AdventWord #SSJE

O Thou Who Art Unchangeable - Kirkegaard

I first heard this prayer, from the writings of Søren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855) in the magnificent work: The Prayers of Kirkegaard by the masterful composer, Samuel Barber. I remember singing it with the Atlanta Symphony Chorus and recording it with Telarc. It was during the last few years of Robert Shaw's life. We paired it with Bela Bartok's Cantata Profana in the same concert and recording. Here's a link to information about that amazing work! Lastly, here's a link to the whole album on iTunes. We won a Grammy for it :-)

"Thou who art unchangeable, whom nothing changes! Thou who art unchangeable in love, precisely for our welfare not submitting to any change: may we too will our welfare, submitting ourselves to the discipline of Thy unchangeableness, so that we may, in unconditional obedience, find our rest and remain at rest in thy unchangeableness. Thou art not like a man; if he is to preserve only some degree of constancy he must not permit himself too much to be moved, nor by too many things. Thou on the contrary art moved, and moved in infinite love, by all things. Even that which we human beings call an insignificant trifle, and pass by unmoved, the need of a sparrow, even this moves Thee, O Infinite Love! But nothing changes Thee, O Thou who art unchangeable! O Thou who is infinite love dost submit to be moved, may this our prayer also move Thee to add Thy blessing, in order that there may be wrought such a change in him who prays as to bring him into conformity with Thy unchangeable will, Thou who art unchangeable!"

Another of my favorite quotes by Kirkegaard is pictured below.

An Alternate View: Fantastic History Made in The Episcopal Church Today at #GC78

WOW!

That word describes today the best! Hope, happiness, excitement, friendship, history, persistence, LOVE, and WOW!

Bishop Michael Curry has been elected as our 27th Presiding Bishop of The Episcopal Church! Excellent ENS (Episcopal News Service) articles HERE

Today was INCREDIBLY exciting! I found myself giving a play-by-play of the activity in the House of Deputies as we went back and forth from resolutions, consent calendar, and presiding bishop election procedures. 

To see the tweets I sent out today, click HERE. It gets pretty exciting in the middle! :-)

Here is some video from when Bishop Curry and his family arrived at the House of Deputies after the election. Full video can be found on the General Convention website.

A little more video from the singing that spontaneously broke out when he was announced at the podium by Katharine Jefferts Schori.

My day:
- Legislative hearing on Prayer Book, Liturgy, and Music Commission resolutions A169, C010, and C023. Some very heated debate on both sides of the "Open Table" resolution and its amendments.

- Here's my view as the lovely Native American (Ute Indian I think) music is being played as a meditation. It is so lovely, I hope you've gotten a chance to hear the service.

- The bishops were assembled into St. Mark's Cathedral after worship and began the election process with prayer around 11:30

- I moved to the House of Deputies into the Alternate section and began in legislative session

- I answered questions from blog, Facebook, and Twitter followers about the election process. It's been super nice to know that I can actually provide useful information and that the world of Episcopal social media was also paying attention! I have been a veritable "tweetstorm" here and it has been appreciated by several dioceses, priests, inquirers, Episcopal staff, and organizations, and many more. I can say that it feels really great to be able to speak in this language! :-) I'm blessed and quite grateful for the opportunity!

- Play-by-play coverage of the election of the 27th Presiding Bishop of The Episcopal Church. It was beyond words. What an historic session and whole day! The collective tension was incredible and the HOD reached a point of defiance. NO ONE wanted to leave the room to wait on the delegation from the House of Bishops to arrive. A while later, when Committee 19 was still deliberating, we were told to break for lunch, and then to break, and then recess, and then to stand at ease. The voice of the people spoke over and the chair of the House wasn't too excited about it, but it was handled well, everyone stayed, and we were in it all together. 

- I attended the first Press conference with PB-elect, Michael Curry in the Canyon Room at the Hilton. It lasted about 35 minutes and can be found at the Media Hub

- Had coffee with Barry, the runner of @iamepiscopalian and many other elements of TEC social media. SUCH a nice person!

                     

- FABULOUS reception for Episcopal Relief and Development for their 75th anniversary! They gave us a gigantic party with wine, delicious foods, a stellar band, happiness, free pins and ---> CHOCOLATE <---

                                           

I'm exhausted after all of this, but as I was walking home.....wait I mean THE SHERATON. As I was walking back to the Sheraton, I thought about all that transpired today, Day # 3 of the General Convention. The first African-American presiding bishop of The Episcopal Church was elected in vast majority on first ballot by both the HOB and the HOD following the first woman presiding bishop. It's the first time two consecutive bishops were elected from the same bishop's class. 

That's simply pure awesomeness. 

I'm so honored to be a part of this historic day in our church!!!

I was so moved by the applause when presiding bishop-elect Curry and his family walked into the House with his family. I was tearing up when the room broke out singing and again when the bishops cheered to show their supportive presence in the back of the House. As I wrote yesterday, there is such love here among this gathering. As Bishop Curry said in his press conference "The truth is: we all come from the same source. We are all brothers and sisters". He spoke a great deal about relationships and emerging connections. He said that when Katharine Jefferts Schori was elected, he said that he (and many) had felt "a movement of the Holy Spirit". He said the he felt that today. I also felt that and I think that most people here today did as well. 

Plenty has been said in the past several days at #GC78 about being a people of love and being connected and supportive, both of humanity and being stewards of God's creation. Today, Bishop Curry said "we are in the business of true love". I believe this and that a part of our job is to reach our neighbor, to be a proactive presence in forming relationships of peace. 

I looked up from my walk and saw this gorgeous view. I had almost forgotten we are surrounded by beautiful mountains, the Wasatch Range. When we're mostly inside buildings and solving the world's issues while walking between said buildings, we sometimes lose site of the actual world around our world. People here are right, we need a shot in the arm of evangelism, of proactiveness (I'm making that a new word), and of ZEST. I have great hope for the coming years in TEC. I hope the Anglican Communion itself will also see this as a movement of hope! I hope we stop to look up and decide to join the beauty of risk, of relationship, and of the movement of the Holy Spirit!

So I made it to my home-away-from-home and am about to happily take a cold shower and eat chocolate! The bar I got is organic, fairly-traded milk chocolate with a hint of hazelnut. I tweeted so much today that I daresay I deserve it :-)

Rest well ye people!

Thank you for reading! Stay tuned,

Caroline

PS - This evening's moon over Salt Lake City!