This Fullness...

Frenchmen Street, New Orleans at Washington Park. This is right across the street from my old apartment and I usually park my car on the street near where this bike is.

The last few weeks for me have been full, VERY full. In fact, it's been so full that it reminded me of the December concert season and trying to be in several places at once, scrambling just to reach the finish line before 1:00 AM so I can legitimize sleeping five or six hours! 

There have been lots of goodbyes, especially the last three days. There have also been old friends coming into town and some hearty and wonderful times of catching up! 

A few of my NOVA friends: margaritas and Mexican food at Superior Grill :-)

Then there was the packing. 
LAWD, the packing. 
If my friend Meg hadn't come over to help me wipe out the kitchen, I wouldn't have finished a few days early and wouldn't have been able to enjoy the last three days here as much as I have! The packing was exhausting because at first, I had to sit down and pack. *Just so you know....when your doc says "no bending" or "as little as possible of the bending over" you try to follow instructions, BUT, as fate (or Mr. Murphy of Murphy's Law) would have it, you drop more on the floor in one month than in 
your ENTIRE life.

I speak the truth y'all. 

Keys, my brush, the cat, keys again, my fork, and on and on.

50's themed farewell from St. Paul's

Packing, sweating, fancy dinners, coffee, 

one heck of a send-off from my beloved St. Paul's Episcopal, 

a nice chat with my amazing bishop, staff lunch, cat shenanigans. 

"I sure hope Mom remembers to take me too...maybe if I pack myself, that'll work!"
~Bluebell

Let me stop and say here that little miss Bluebell went to the vet from Monday until we left. She was driving me crazy climbing on boxes, pulling stuff out of bags, scampering all through the night, and she looked pretty stressed as more stuff started to pile up. It was for the best....and so I could get some actual sleep.

Loading the truck! Wow! I had a team of super phenomenal friends helping me and it took only from 9-11 AM. I could not have done it without them. I'm only allowed to lift 25-30 lbs right now (surgery recovery) and don't want to be doing that repeatedly for hours on end.

Cleaning the apartment, blech.

That last meeting (I'm looking at you, ACDA!) the afternoon after loading and discussing the fabulous Louisiana Fall Vocal Conference!

Cutting off utilities, turning in keys, banking errands, getting gas! (Side note: I'm so impressed that I remembered to fill the tank!)

Nice, quiet Starbucks, thank goodness. Feet up, relaxing! Enjoying the oaky view :-)

Coffee!!!!!!!!!!! I spent a good while in the coffeehouse. As time passed and I was sitting in a super comfy chair, I began to discover previously unknown muscles, presumably from the truck loading adventure.

Dinner! 

I'll be wandering the French Quarter with a friend in a little while for my last evening around in NOLA and for dessert too, of course. Either beignets or white chocolate bread pudding, I haven't quite decided yet. What a gift to be able to chill and enjoy a restful evening! Glad the rain stopped!

Tomorrow, I'll pick up my sweetie pie Bluebell and get on the road for this great new adventure! SEWANEE!!! 

My heart is so full right now!

This fullness has no words and yet has every word. It has swept me off my feet.

The fullness of friends who have become family. 
The fullness of goodness. 
The fullness of fun. 
The fullness of help. 
The fullness of the mixture of sad and happy. 
The fullness of anticipation, of change, of newness.

The fullness of love. 
The fullness of calling.
The fullness of life.

This fullness of God.

A Cup of Sewanee

This isn't just ANY ole cup of coffee.... it's a cup of I'M GOING TO SEWANEE COFFEE!! 

Honestly, I can't believe it! I am SO EXCITED and HAPPY! It's almost surreal...it is indeed a dream and lately, I have been catching myself occasionally stopping mid-thought and finding myself grinning and pondering my new journey of postulancy with rapid heartbeats and wonder. No joke that this is a dream of mine. I fell in love with Sewanee: The University of the South in 1988 when I was a senior in Porter-Gaud High School (Charleston, SC) and when I visited, it was my first choice. I had been planning to major in music and something else, not sure what. I was even thinking about keyboard at the time, having had a tiny bit of piano training. I remember I wrote my application essay on mentorship and role models and used Angela Lansbury as my example of success complemented with living. I had been a fan of her roles in fun mysteries and also in Sweeney Todd.
Well, it was not to be yet. I received a scholarship, but it was basically book money. My parents made too much to qualify for most types of loans, yet not enough to afford expensive places such a Sewanee or Emory at the time. My brother was also still at home for a few more years and finances had always been tough. Anyway, I ended up having to go to "the dreaded state school" which, at the time, was a peer-pressured shame at the prep school I was attending. Now, I think anything goes and of COURSE I understood - even at the time - that where you attend college often doesn't matter as much as what you make of it when you're there. So, I wasn't about to go to Clemson (nope!) because I was already a USC Gamecock fan like my Dad so I chose USC. At first, I was rather disillusioned at having my dream swiped from underneath my feet and I didn't know what major to choose or how to like this school. My parents thought I should choose something where I'd be able to make a living so I liked Biology and chose that, thinking I'd become a virologist and maybe could cure the common cold. (Now, actually THAT would be insanely awesome, had it happened, but I like people WAAAAAAY more than petri dishes). After a year, I was hooked on USC and I am a HUGE Gamecock fan!  A bio-pre-med major, it took me almost three years to find my way to music and I was only able to convince myself I could do a music major because....wait for it.....

There was no required recital in the music education track.

What a cop out. Well, not really...I had so much more stage fright then than I do now - even though now I still have a TON. To think that I went from that to eventually getting a doctorate in conducting is a pretty amazing transformation. (I joyfully returned to USC after an MM at Emory!)
So, after a brief time as a French major and a Psychology major (like a month or two each), I came into music and was hooked. I still am. In fact, one of the things that "sold it" in my period of Episcopal discernment was in October 2013, I suddenly realized that I didn't have to give up being a musician. What?! YAY!

I identify with being a conductor and singer now and probably always will to some degree. 

That REALLY opened up my heart!

Now, I felt free and able to hear God's call more clearly and I am SO HAPPY now because I feel MUCH freer to move forward to where I'm being called. My vision of ministry has increased like the outward circles from something dropping in a pond, getting richer and more amazing with each layer and all the while strengthening that innermost layer. I cannot wait to take courses and learn from the faculty and my fellow classmates. 
Formation - I need it! 
Knowledge - I need it!
The beautiful mountain - I need it!
Ohhhhh and there's this: the exciting fact that I received my Sewanee housing assignment yesterday!

More anticipation!!! It's a tiny apartment on the edge of campus, but it has two windows, a nicer kitchen than I have now, and a couple of built-in drawers in the bedroom so perhaps I can sell my dresser, which would be GREAT! It is what I asked for! I can't wait to find out more about it and see exactly what it looks like but I am thrilled to know where I'll be and it makes it all the more real!

Cleaning out my UNO office is also making things super real. I have a TON of stuff, especially books and music. I'm pretty proud that I whittled down an entire 4-shelf bookshelf of choral sheet music to a 1/2 box. That's great for me, considering I have extreme sentimental value associated with 90% of everything. :-) 

I will have to ask at church if anyone has any room in a garage or attic to store some boxes of books for me, but I might be able to stack bookshelves and may be doing that in both the bedroom and the living room. Time will tell.

One thing I've learned that does make me sad is that my position of Director of Choral Activities at UNO is being adjuncted out and there is not any information as to whether or not the position itself is going away or if they will do a search (which I hope they do!), or if it will simply morph into a choral/music ed position once the new School of the Arts is on track and fully functioning with admins in place, financial development, and more faculty and staff. That could happen well and quickly....or it could drag out and maybe happen or maybe not. I must admit, it makes me sad and a little mad too. I worked HARD over the ten years I spent there to build the choirs, the job itself, the budget (I'm leaving the choral foundation account at almost $20,000 which would normally be awesome), and being active in the community so that the choirs were respected. I'm proud to say we combined with the choirs of Xavier, Loyola, Tulane, The Baptist Seminary, Dillard, the Jefferson Chorale, the NOCCA School (New Orleans Center for the Creative Arts), and more during my ten years! Still, I know that this is the way of much in academia and also with many music positions on many educational institution levels today. 
While I truly hope that the choral area will rise again and go much further, I recognize it is no longer "mine" and that is very freeing.I know I did my best and did a good job! :-)
Ten years at any place is also quite respectable!
So, all these things are on my mind this morning - mostly giddy excitement though, as I drink from my new cup of Sewanee!

A leaf floating on God's river, ready and willing to GO!

I Samuel 3:9 
9 Therefore Eli said to Samuel, ‘Go, lie down; and if he calls you, you shall say, “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.”’ So Samuel went and lay down in his place.

These verses, especially: “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening”, resonate with me in a very direct way this Lent. I recently became a Postulant for the priesthood in The Episcopal Church (!!!) and I am hoping to attend seminary this coming Fall.
I'm 45.
Pending acceptances to MDiv programs and qualification for Financial Aid, I very well may be leaving behind a tenured university music position, a state presidency (LA-ACDA), several other jobs, and more.
Wait, WHAT?!
Having said all that, you can probably deduce that my personal journey has included much discernment as to God's will for my life and perhaps a little.....ok, a LOT of trepidation and some denial of a call that has been forming for many years.
I feel a bit like Eli, yet also like Samuel. Eli had allowed himself to wander from God's grace and presence. Sure enough, I am rather comfortable in my city, my music, my life. After having such strong and clear experiences of God's call, I overthought everything and practically discerned it away. I was excited, yet afraid of the idea of being called to ministry.

I was definitely a wayward leaf, clinging wildly to the branch trailing in the water, afraid of being swept away, maybe even of drowning. Being a conductor, I had the false sense of control down to an art, literally. I needed to learn how to let God lead. 

Luckily, more discernment and calling and then outside affirmations kept coming. A friend called from a House of Bishops meeting and said "Girrrl you need to talk to your bishop. He said he's tried to talk to you about discernment twice and that you'd shut him down both times". (*faints upon hearing)
Suddenly, I realized that this wasn't about me and my concerns, but about what God was doing in my life. I had been ignoring that. There's Eli and again, putting himself first, taking the best of the offerings.
I asked myself "Does God even speak with us today and if so, how on Earth can we tell if what we are hearing is indeed God's voice?" Samuel must have been about 12 or 13 when he heard God's voice. Thank goodness there's no age limit for God's Holy Spirit working in your life!
Then, when I thought I had all my own answers, I arrived at the beginning of my discernment and spiritual direction, I found myself "listening too hard". I wasn't expecting a booming voice from the sky, but then again, maybe I was. Samuel - fresh, unknowing and unexpecting, teaches us that we can indeed hear God and when we least expect it.
The innocence of his earnestness, wow. How do we position ourselves to better hear the Word of God? Well, perhaps we should "Go and lie down"
As I continue in my journey, I strive to be as open as Samuel. A leaf intentionally, yet freely floating on God's river, ready and willing to Go!

Leaf in small river near Kanuga, NC

(I Samuel 3:1-9)

3 Now the boy Samuel was ministering to the Lord under Eli. The word of the Lord was rare in those days; visions were not widespread.
2 At that time Eli, whose eyesight had begun to grow dim so that he could not see, was lying down in his room; 3 the lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the temple of the Lord, where the ark of God was. 4 Then the Lord called, ‘Samuel! Samuel!’and he said, ‘Here I am!’ 5 and ran to Eli, and said, ‘Here I am, for you called me.’ But he said, ‘I did not call; lie down again.’ So he went and lay down. 6 The Lord called again, ‘Samuel!’ Samuel got up and went to Eli, and said, ‘Here I am, for you called me.’ But he said, ‘I did not call, my son; lie down again.’ 7 Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord, and the word of the Lord had not yet been revealed to him. 8 The Lord called Samuel again, a third time. And he got up and went to Eli, and said, ‘Here I am, for you called me.’ Then Eli perceived that the Lord was calling the boy. 9 Therefore Eli said to Samuel, ‘Go, lie down; and if he calls you, you shall say, “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.”’ So Samuel went and lay down in his place.

Sunrise of the Soul

  

Sunrise of the soul! This is exactly what I feel is happening in my life right now! It's SUPER EXCITING and a bit scary too. Sometimes the butterflies are a-fluttering in excitement and sometimes they're raging a bit fearfully. I feel a bit like I've been living a foggy life....in a manner of speaking....always searching, always unsure of some things...etc. I am quite sure I will continue to live that way and even dare to presume it's sometimes a part of the human condition - to live foggily. (I want to add here that I actually love fog! It can be beautiful!) On some fronts, I am finally feeling like I am seeing the fog clear and in a very joyful way! I FINALLY feel that all of the longings, yearnings, and old tuggings are starting to get stirred up and simmered on a grand stove. I can see that something tasty is being prepared. It's a good feeling because I've been hungry for it all my life! I feel like I'm able to feel God's presence more clearly in my life for the past four or five years and mostly the past three years and even more so the past sixteen months and six months! I have this wonderful life and most things seem exactly as they should be so I'm quite happy, loving, my jobs, and absolutely loving living in New Orleans! I get to sing for some fantastic people, I get to conduct choirs, judge festivals, travel, participate in fun diocesan events, and more. Why then, do I feel like fog is lifting? Why NOW? Well, for many years now, in Milledgeville at First Presbyterian and here at UNO and St. Paul's, the pull to being more involved in ministry has resurfaced. There's a whole spiritual autobiography I've written twice which I won't share here (right now), but suffice it it say that I feel strongly that the pathway is clearing and I am becoming more aware of how God is working in me, my work, and my life. I'm not sure what the outcome of it all will be, but I am trying to stay open to the possibilities and follow where God leads - and trying to have an open heart and mind. I've been in spiritual advising for about a year now and I LOVE IT! It's helped to sort some things out, to consider new ideas and directions, and help me begin a journey to mature into a more sacred life. The best news of the day - God's with me where I am and he's not done with me yet! :-)