“Planet of the Cats”
Last night, Bluebell stepped in front of the TV at THE perfect moment!
LOLOLOLOL!
😂
Last night, Bluebell stepped in front of the TV at THE perfect moment!
LOLOLOLOL!
😂
A postulant for priesthood in The Episcopal Church and on the path to becoming Parson Carson, I will soon be a seminarian at the Sewanee School of Theology! This is my blog for the ponderings of life, poetry, prayers, travel adventures, humor, space goodness, puns, and photos!
Sunday, October 1, 2017
Saturday, September 30, 2017
A Sermon for Sept. 3, 2017 at St. Paul's Episcopal, New Orleans
Dr. Caroline Carson 4
Thirteenth Sunday after Pentecost
Year A
09.03.2017
Jeremiah 15:15-21
Psalm 26:1-8
Romans 12:9-21
Matthew 16:21-28
Good morning! I bring you a sermon crafted upon our holy mountain, exactly four days before my very first class on the Foundations of Preaching…
Thirteenth Sunday after Pentecost
Year A
09.03.2017
Jeremiah 15:15-21
Psalm 26:1-8
Romans 12:9-21
Matthew 16:21-28
Good morning! I bring you a sermon crafted upon our holy mountain, exactly four days before my very first class on the Foundations of Preaching…
Through the written word, and the spoken word, may we know your Living Word: Jesus Christ our Savior. Amen
Today’s passage in the gospel of Matthew follows Peter’s statement that Christ is the Messiah; Jesus calling him the “rock” upon which he will build his church, and his giving him the keys to the kingdom of God. How’s Peter feeling right about now? Secure? With a stamp of approval? In control? The most memorable lines from today’s gospel passage are: “Get behind me Satan!” and “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.” It seemed rather harsh to me, going from a foundation rock to a stumbling block with “Get behind me Satan!” In the Greek however, the phrase is ambiguous and can mean “get out of my way” or “a cause to stray from whom he ought to trust” or maybe “keep following my leadership”. Calling Peter Satan basically calls him out at being adversarial to Jesus’ messianic role – he’s trying to pull Jesus away from death. This doesn’t go over well. Humanity needs Jesus on the cross. Peter has indeed just taken Jesus aside and spoken to him, almost as if he were in charge and not a disciple. Peter’s disappointment with what Jesus has just told them is evident. He enthusiastically loves Jesus. He has given up his family and possessions to follow him. He has made a grand and obvious commitment - so why not react strongly to Jesus’ informing the disciples that he will soon suffer - and even die? Peter is distracted and focused on himself and his relationship with Jesus, his being “all-in”. Maybe Peter is acting instinctively out of love for his friend…acting first, thinking later. I sure can personally identify with this trait. This is not always a bad thing though…acting quickly to save a life, acting instinctively for our own survival, acting out of love for another. We recognize his humanity and over time, we get used to Peter acting in earnest innocence and discovering that he has indeed moved or spoken too quickly.
God’s call, however, is more than rapid response performed with sincerity. Unfortunately though, we happen to be drawn to quick fixes… Who isn’t? God’s calling is much more than a quick fix of say…going to church, even regularly. More than praying every day or night. More than tithing. More even than any one sacrament except….except for living out our Baptismal covenant, long term. It is a calling that we ourselves, like John the Baptist says in the Gospel of John, must decrease - and Christ increase. It is more than “making room for Christ in our hearts”, the implication of which is that we are already so full that we must shove aside, not even rid ourselves of what we have collected, but shove aside and pack the spirit in - to squeeze God into our lives. We may even live a godly life and be infused with the spirit of Christ and his goodness, but, and really ask yourself: how much have we decreased inside ourselves and increased in the image of Christ? Just how do we go about denying ourselves and taking up our cross?
It is a call, in a sense, to be forgotten…a call to be forgotten. This is in the worldly sense, where we harbor any reservation whatsoever when asked to follow Christ and instead, we put ourselves first. Putting self-interest away, inviting the difficult, the different, the unknown – essentially inviting the uninvited into our lives. Not shunning challenges to our ways of interacting with people who are different from us or our loyalties… is the giving up of self for the greater good, for the sake of community. What about being willing to suffer or even die? It is a costly process. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the WWII era Lutheran minister who battled Nazi ideology in Germany, wrote in his book The Cost of Discipleship: “Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, Communion without confession, and absolution without personal confession. Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate. Such grace is costly because it calls us to follow, and it is grace because it calls us to follow Jesus Christ. It is costly because it costs a man his life, and it is grace because it gives a man the only true life. “
How many of us are really super eager…or even mildly eager, to take up our crosses? Our crosses are not likely to be physical persecution for our faith. How do we even know what and how multi-faceted our crosses are? Is it even right to equate and legitimize our own suffering with that of Christ’s? In the 21st century, the cross symbol itself has become a fashion statement as we don’t use crucifixion and are certainly removed from the Game of Thrones-like gruesome practice. Maybe you have taken up a cross…was it your own? Remember Simon of Cyrene set down Christ’s cross because it wasn’t his responsibility to the very end. So, Peter’s asking Jesus not to bear suffering and death was Jesus’s stumbling block. What are yours? Societal additions to material things, money, being right, winning? Physical or mental ailments? Loneliness? Depression? Fear of solitude? Fear of groups?
Some of my crosses were shaken and stirred during this summer’s clinical pastoral education course in NYC where I participated in a hundred hours of therapy-like examination, group discussion, and self-awareness training - basically moments of public emotional vomit - in addition to 300 hours as an NYU chaplain at a level I trauma center. Some of my many stumbling blocks are: anxiety, the need for approval, and super enthusiasm (that’s a positive and a negative for me). One you and I may share is the need to not be forgotten. Zing! That is an arrow right through that call to be forgotten, isn’t it? I do experience a certain freedom in seminary life that seems to show me that this vocation is authentic. But, I am deeply aware that self-denial is much broader and deeper than this. I’ve got my work cut out for me. Luckily, I know why I go to church. One of the many reasons is that here, “there is always room for one more” (Robertson). This church, this community of Christ-followers is the heart of opportunity to deny self. Following implies that there will be someone ahead to whom we reach out.
To you whose young ones will be baptized this morning: Your name may eventually become: “Walker’s Dad”, “Ella Grace’s parental units”, “Mary Margaret’s Momma”, “Madison’s progenitors”, or perhaps “Ellie’s antecedents”. You are here and part of this community. You are taking up your crosses and that of your infant kin. “The baptismal call for parents who baptize their infants is to take up their own crosses, because you are making promises this morning for yourselves as much as for your children. It’s also a call to bear the cross that parenting can be for a time, to carry it with and for your children until they are mature enough to take it up for themselves. Yet, the good news in all the bearing is” how much more have your souls increased because of these gifts.” (Courtney)
You are not alone. They will not be alone. As we accept your sons and daughters as new members of the body of Christ, as we all renew our Baptismal vows, the unison cry of “we will with God’s help” holds us equally in each other’s spirits. As the liturgy turns from darkness into light, we will not be alone. As we move from death in Christ into life into the same, we unite, UNITE, in the risk, in the discomfort of taking up the crosses of the spiritual forces of wickedness, sinful desires, our distrust, and we turn to Christ…..and he walks before and with us as we deny ourselves and follow him. As the old hymn says “In Christ there is no East or West, in Him no South or North, but one great fellowship of God, throughout the whole wide Earth”. Will you be called to be forgotten? For as you fade and decrease, it is God himself who will remember you.
“Lord Jesus Christ, fill us with your Holy Spirit, that we may be less of what we used to be, and that we may become more of what you want us to be. Amen”
Cost of Discipleship (Bonhoeffer)
Why Go to Church (Robertson)
BCP
Thayer’s Greek Lexicon / Strong’s NT
Today’s passage in the gospel of Matthew follows Peter’s statement that Christ is the Messiah; Jesus calling him the “rock” upon which he will build his church, and his giving him the keys to the kingdom of God. How’s Peter feeling right about now? Secure? With a stamp of approval? In control? The most memorable lines from today’s gospel passage are: “Get behind me Satan!” and “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.” It seemed rather harsh to me, going from a foundation rock to a stumbling block with “Get behind me Satan!” In the Greek however, the phrase is ambiguous and can mean “get out of my way” or “a cause to stray from whom he ought to trust” or maybe “keep following my leadership”. Calling Peter Satan basically calls him out at being adversarial to Jesus’ messianic role – he’s trying to pull Jesus away from death. This doesn’t go over well. Humanity needs Jesus on the cross. Peter has indeed just taken Jesus aside and spoken to him, almost as if he were in charge and not a disciple. Peter’s disappointment with what Jesus has just told them is evident. He enthusiastically loves Jesus. He has given up his family and possessions to follow him. He has made a grand and obvious commitment - so why not react strongly to Jesus’ informing the disciples that he will soon suffer - and even die? Peter is distracted and focused on himself and his relationship with Jesus, his being “all-in”. Maybe Peter is acting instinctively out of love for his friend…acting first, thinking later. I sure can personally identify with this trait. This is not always a bad thing though…acting quickly to save a life, acting instinctively for our own survival, acting out of love for another. We recognize his humanity and over time, we get used to Peter acting in earnest innocence and discovering that he has indeed moved or spoken too quickly.
God’s call, however, is more than rapid response performed with sincerity. Unfortunately though, we happen to be drawn to quick fixes… Who isn’t? God’s calling is much more than a quick fix of say…going to church, even regularly. More than praying every day or night. More than tithing. More even than any one sacrament except….except for living out our Baptismal covenant, long term. It is a calling that we ourselves, like John the Baptist says in the Gospel of John, must decrease - and Christ increase. It is more than “making room for Christ in our hearts”, the implication of which is that we are already so full that we must shove aside, not even rid ourselves of what we have collected, but shove aside and pack the spirit in - to squeeze God into our lives. We may even live a godly life and be infused with the spirit of Christ and his goodness, but, and really ask yourself: how much have we decreased inside ourselves and increased in the image of Christ? Just how do we go about denying ourselves and taking up our cross?
It is a call, in a sense, to be forgotten…a call to be forgotten. This is in the worldly sense, where we harbor any reservation whatsoever when asked to follow Christ and instead, we put ourselves first. Putting self-interest away, inviting the difficult, the different, the unknown – essentially inviting the uninvited into our lives. Not shunning challenges to our ways of interacting with people who are different from us or our loyalties… is the giving up of self for the greater good, for the sake of community. What about being willing to suffer or even die? It is a costly process. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the WWII era Lutheran minister who battled Nazi ideology in Germany, wrote in his book The Cost of Discipleship: “Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, Communion without confession, and absolution without personal confession. Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate. Such grace is costly because it calls us to follow, and it is grace because it calls us to follow Jesus Christ. It is costly because it costs a man his life, and it is grace because it gives a man the only true life. “
How many of us are really super eager…or even mildly eager, to take up our crosses? Our crosses are not likely to be physical persecution for our faith. How do we even know what and how multi-faceted our crosses are? Is it even right to equate and legitimize our own suffering with that of Christ’s? In the 21st century, the cross symbol itself has become a fashion statement as we don’t use crucifixion and are certainly removed from the Game of Thrones-like gruesome practice. Maybe you have taken up a cross…was it your own? Remember Simon of Cyrene set down Christ’s cross because it wasn’t his responsibility to the very end. So, Peter’s asking Jesus not to bear suffering and death was Jesus’s stumbling block. What are yours? Societal additions to material things, money, being right, winning? Physical or mental ailments? Loneliness? Depression? Fear of solitude? Fear of groups?
Some of my crosses were shaken and stirred during this summer’s clinical pastoral education course in NYC where I participated in a hundred hours of therapy-like examination, group discussion, and self-awareness training - basically moments of public emotional vomit - in addition to 300 hours as an NYU chaplain at a level I trauma center. Some of my many stumbling blocks are: anxiety, the need for approval, and super enthusiasm (that’s a positive and a negative for me). One you and I may share is the need to not be forgotten. Zing! That is an arrow right through that call to be forgotten, isn’t it? I do experience a certain freedom in seminary life that seems to show me that this vocation is authentic. But, I am deeply aware that self-denial is much broader and deeper than this. I’ve got my work cut out for me. Luckily, I know why I go to church. One of the many reasons is that here, “there is always room for one more” (Robertson). This church, this community of Christ-followers is the heart of opportunity to deny self. Following implies that there will be someone ahead to whom we reach out.
To you whose young ones will be baptized this morning: Your name may eventually become: “Walker’s Dad”, “Ella Grace’s parental units”, “Mary Margaret’s Momma”, “Madison’s progenitors”, or perhaps “Ellie’s antecedents”. You are here and part of this community. You are taking up your crosses and that of your infant kin. “The baptismal call for parents who baptize their infants is to take up their own crosses, because you are making promises this morning for yourselves as much as for your children. It’s also a call to bear the cross that parenting can be for a time, to carry it with and for your children until they are mature enough to take it up for themselves. Yet, the good news in all the bearing is” how much more have your souls increased because of these gifts.” (Courtney)
You are not alone. They will not be alone. As we accept your sons and daughters as new members of the body of Christ, as we all renew our Baptismal vows, the unison cry of “we will with God’s help” holds us equally in each other’s spirits. As the liturgy turns from darkness into light, we will not be alone. As we move from death in Christ into life into the same, we unite, UNITE, in the risk, in the discomfort of taking up the crosses of the spiritual forces of wickedness, sinful desires, our distrust, and we turn to Christ…..and he walks before and with us as we deny ourselves and follow him. As the old hymn says “In Christ there is no East or West, in Him no South or North, but one great fellowship of God, throughout the whole wide Earth”. Will you be called to be forgotten? For as you fade and decrease, it is God himself who will remember you.
“Lord Jesus Christ, fill us with your Holy Spirit, that we may be less of what we used to be, and that we may become more of what you want us to be. Amen”
Cost of Discipleship (Bonhoeffer)
Why Go to Church (Robertson)
BCP
Thayer’s Greek Lexicon / Strong’s NT
Thank you for reading!
A Prayer for Quiet Confidence
A Prayer for Quiet Confidence
O God of peace, who has taught us that in returning and rest we will be saved, in quietness and confidence will be our strength: By the might of your Spirit lift us, we pray, to your presence, where we may be still and know that you are God; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
O God of peace, who has taught us that in returning and rest we will be saved, in quietness and confidence will be our strength: By the might of your Spirit lift us, we pray, to your presence, where we may be still and know that you are God; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
~ Book of Common Prayer
I LOVE OCTOBER!
Yes, I am THAT person. That person who LOVES OCTOBER...(and that person who has a personal blog...and uses it for all manner of things silly, academic, travel, and to tout the marvels of OCTOBER.) It has to be my favorite month and for a number of reasons. I love when Autumn actually arrives and sets in and while it doesn't come until late October or even November in my home of New Orleans, here atop the beautiful "holy mountain" in Sewanee - it sure is stunning! The smell of leaves, obvious big drops in temperature, and
crisp and fresh air all mark a solid Fall. Sewanee fog is also beautiful...like living in a cloud. New Orleans fog is pretty too. Here are two of my favorite New Orleans October fog photos from the park across from where I used to live on Frenchmen Street.
(Believe it or not, these are iPhone photos.)
I also love October because of Halloween and I love wearing my silly socks. I've got this Edgar Allen Poe lunchbox that I bought ten years ago in NOLA and it's hilarious so I use it during October and OF COURSE I wear it with my "Poe family" t-shirt :-) I have several Halloween shirts with bats or cats. I am the person that buys the chocolate eyeballs to give to everyone! If you know me and are nearby, you will likely hear just about every Halloween pun that exists :-)
I love pumpkin spice and though it's available in September nowadays, I get it more in October. I also love sugar free instant apple cider, sitting on the porch enjoying cool weather, walks or hikes in the woods, colorful leaves, and college football -
GO USC GAMECOCKS!
Sometimes, I get somewhere where there's a nice bonfire or smell wood smoke as I'm walking. The days are getting shorter more rapidly and it always reminds me of the good parts of my childhood when it was exciting to have shorter/darker days, walking to school, Halloween costumes, fall festivals, the SC State Fair (one of my favorite memories), apples, popcorn, and toasted pumpkin seeds. It IS always crunch time academically and a super busy month, but it feels great!
For me, October always brings to the forefront a juxtaposition of an acute sense of the brevity of life (paralleling seasonal cycles) and the happy urgency of scurrying to finish tasks or the celebratory defiance of evening activities outside under brilliant lights before the coming seasonal cold and slumbersome stillness.
crisp and fresh air all mark a solid Fall. Sewanee fog is also beautiful...like living in a cloud. New Orleans fog is pretty too. Here are two of my favorite New Orleans October fog photos from the park across from where I used to live on Frenchmen Street.
(Believe it or not, these are iPhone photos.)
GO USC GAMECOCKS!
Sometimes, I get somewhere where there's a nice bonfire or smell wood smoke as I'm walking. The days are getting shorter more rapidly and it always reminds me of the good parts of my childhood when it was exciting to have shorter/darker days, walking to school, Halloween costumes, fall festivals, the SC State Fair (one of my favorite memories), apples, popcorn, and toasted pumpkin seeds. It IS always crunch time academically and a super busy month, but it feels great!
For me, October always brings to the forefront a juxtaposition of an acute sense of the brevity of life (paralleling seasonal cycles) and the happy urgency of scurrying to finish tasks or the celebratory defiance of evening activities outside under brilliant lights before the coming seasonal cold and slumbersome stillness.
Friday, September 29, 2017
Forgotten
Found this poem on the Hello Poetry website. It fits how I'm feeling this Friday afternoon completely. SO. COMPLETELY. It's been a super hard week, but a terrific week. I've got tons going on and for me. I'm whining a bit though. I am reminded that there are millions who feel this way every hour of the day. I would not wish that upon anyone, but I know it's likely many feel it. Frankly, I know not everyone can have all days be fantastic and I"m sure it will make the great times feel greater, but it stinks while you're down. Today, someone changed an appt., another rainchecked a lunch (good reason), and someone else's word choice about something minor was poor and left me feeling terrible. Last year, the question was: how many times does one hint around being included before one simply stops asking? Today brought some of that back. Everything was unintentional I am quite sure, I do know that. Still, it's been a rough day. I'm allowed to have them and it always brings me to prayer and ponderings with God. Yes I shed some tears. I needed to and now I feel better. It's not a bowl of roses now, but it' not as bad as I make it out to be. I hope whoever wrote the poem below is feeling better and I hope I do and if you're having a down sort of day or moment, I hope you will soon feel better too! Hang in there!
FORGOTTEN
Forgotten.
"I didn't realise you weren't there"
"I actually forgot all about you"
"I'm so sorry I forgot our appointment"
How many times
Can one be forgotten?
Oblivion is the state of being completely forgotten,
They say it comes with death
Yet I have achieved it in life.
Saturday, August 12, 2017
Words Fail Me
Racism and anti-Semitism again raising their voices and
engaging in violence. I am thoroughly disgusted with the white supremacists, the rhetoric they feed upon, and especially the overt destruction of the civil progress our nation has actually made (and I know we have a long way to go). This feels like it's basically a form of terrorism. As humans, we are
far, FAR more alike than we are different.
Words fail me, maybe they fail us all, but I pray that there is an end to the violence and the belief that violent acts can foster an end to the marginalization that any group feels or experiences. When it is enough to make us all speak out simultaneously? How many violent acts resulting in injuries (to body or spirit) equal a reason that touches each of us enough to react as a whole? What is the point at which we can no longer stand the persecution of our friends, neighbors, and fellow citizens *of the human race*?
I realize offering prayers might not feel right for some, but it feels right for me right now. I realize it might seem like more failed or distant words, but I believe common prayer can have communion of spirit and maybe that's what I can hang onto tonight while I mull over and try to understand the "why" of it all.
I offer this prayer for Social Justice from the Book of Common Prayer:
Almighty God, who hast created us in thine own image: Grant us grace fearlessly to contend against evil and to make no peace with oppression; and, that we may reverently use our freedom, help us to employ it in the maintenance of justice in our communities and among the nations, to the glory of thy holy Name; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.
I also offer this prayer from “A Year of Prayer to End Racism”
from the Diocese of West Virginia:
“Creator of all people, in our amazing diversity of size, shape,
color, and giftedness: guide us, by your grace, to recognize the beauty and
fitness of all whom you have made in your own image. Give us gifts of humility
and generosity of spirit to recognize in all people, the face of our Savior,
Jesus, and to practice his commandment to “love one another,” toward the end of
bringing harmony and peace among persons of all colors, origins, and abilities,
for the sake of your Kingdom.” Amen.
Racism is NOT ok.
Bigotry is NOT ok.
Intolerance is NOT ok.
Violence is NOT ok.
Racism is NOT ok.
Bigotry is NOT ok.
Intolerance is NOT ok.
Violence is NOT ok.
My Summer 2017 - CPE and NYC
HA!...of course I forgot to share this so......my last few days in NYC were FANTABULOUS, especially my last day. I'm back in Sewanee now, have taken a personal retreat in two parts, and classes have begun - TODAY! More info on classes I'm taking at the very bottom of this post.
Howdy y'all! :-)
Having only three days left here in NYC, I decided to put some of my thoughts of CPE and living in NYC mixed into a generic update on my summer. I've been way from home since the end of the spring semester in April and it's been pretty nonstop busy, but I do love that.
Some of the things I have loved while working at NYUL:
- Meeting patients from around the world and being a chaplain to them
- Feeling more affirmed in my pastoral identity
- Learning tools for interacting with people when they are in distress and/or grieving
- Establishing personal learning goals for working with people in ministry
- Learning more about interreligious chaplaincy as it pertains to healing
- Developing better self-awareness on many, MANY levels
Howdy y'all! :-)
Having only three days left here in NYC, I decided to put some of my thoughts of CPE and living in NYC mixed into a generic update on my summer. I've been way from home since the end of the spring semester in April and it's been pretty nonstop busy, but I do love that.
Back in the spring, I received two grants (Seminary Consultation on Mission and Episcopal Church Global Missions) to travel to the Philippines. With faculty support, I scheduled my exams early to make the trip. I'm in the process of writing about my journey and the work I did there so stay tuned to this blog (you can sign up via email on the right-hand side of the screen). I spent three weeks there and was able to visit and work with small remote villages, attend the national synod and write an ENS article about it, and learn about The Episcopal Church in The Philippines. It was FANTASTIC and I do hope to return!
Two weeks before I left though, my mother had a stroke in Charleston, SC. She was in and out of the ER for four days and it was an extremely stressful time. My brother and I worked hard to make sure she was receiving the care she needed for stroke recovery and other issues. After a month of waiting on certain documents, we finally received necessary paperwork and my brother was able to get things rolling with placing her in an assisted living facility. During my CPE (explained below) unit, I flew down from New York to clear out some of the house and move Mom’s things into storage while my brother dealt with other things on Mom’s behalf. In July, he was able to help her get to a facility in NC. She is doing extremely well in her new place and seems happy. I am also happy and grateful that she is receiving the care that she needs, has friends, and is enjoying activities there!!
In light of my Mom's health, I did discern much about whether or not I should go to the Philippines, but I had some help and advice and in the end, I decided to go. After returning, I immediately began my CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) program in New York on May 22. All Episcopal seminarians must complete a unit of CPE and it’s usually done the summer after the first year in the MDiv program. My CPE placement has been in New York at NYU Langone-Brooklyn Medical Center and I have been living in a room in East Williamsburg in Brooklyn. NYUL is a Level I trauma center and is widely known and respected for its stroke response and medical teams. Working here, I've been able to be part of rapid response teams and witness the efficient, caring, and holistic care the hospital provides. I've gotten to know patients and their families, some staff, and some docs. I've listened, prayed with and for, distributed communion, sat in silence, cried with, laughed with, been at bedsides where last breaths were taken, been at cribs where new babies cooed, and been there as fiances screamed at the sudden loss of their beloved. My CPE program consisted of 300 hours of volunteer chaplaincy work and 100 hours of class – not to mention the books, presentations, and papers! I was placed in the stroke/neurological wing and that was very interesting, but tough. The summer has been challenging, emotional, intense, filled with holy moments, and I have learned so so sooooo much. Many say that CPE is transformative and indeed it has been. Knowing that most of us had similar experiences is also an amazing part of the communal nature of the journey to priesthood in The Episcopal Church (and other denominations). I'm grateful that we can share threads of these deep experiences, similar challenges, and mutual growth in self-awareness and pastoral identity with each other and with our future congregations.
I finished both the class and volunteer hours as of August 1st, but stayed a little on as an NYUL chaplain for a bit. I love the work and I love living up here so I was excited to stay on!
Two weeks before I left though, my mother had a stroke in Charleston, SC. She was in and out of the ER for four days and it was an extremely stressful time. My brother and I worked hard to make sure she was receiving the care she needed for stroke recovery and other issues. After a month of waiting on certain documents, we finally received necessary paperwork and my brother was able to get things rolling with placing her in an assisted living facility. During my CPE (explained below) unit, I flew down from New York to clear out some of the house and move Mom’s things into storage while my brother dealt with other things on Mom’s behalf. In July, he was able to help her get to a facility in NC. She is doing extremely well in her new place and seems happy. I am also happy and grateful that she is receiving the care that she needs, has friends, and is enjoying activities there!!
In light of my Mom's health, I did discern much about whether or not I should go to the Philippines, but I had some help and advice and in the end, I decided to go. After returning, I immediately began my CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) program in New York on May 22. All Episcopal seminarians must complete a unit of CPE and it’s usually done the summer after the first year in the MDiv program. My CPE placement has been in New York at NYU Langone-Brooklyn Medical Center and I have been living in a room in East Williamsburg in Brooklyn. NYUL is a Level I trauma center and is widely known and respected for its stroke response and medical teams. Working here, I've been able to be part of rapid response teams and witness the efficient, caring, and holistic care the hospital provides. I've gotten to know patients and their families, some staff, and some docs. I've listened, prayed with and for, distributed communion, sat in silence, cried with, laughed with, been at bedsides where last breaths were taken, been at cribs where new babies cooed, and been there as fiances screamed at the sudden loss of their beloved. My CPE program consisted of 300 hours of volunteer chaplaincy work and 100 hours of class – not to mention the books, presentations, and papers! I was placed in the stroke/neurological wing and that was very interesting, but tough. The summer has been challenging, emotional, intense, filled with holy moments, and I have learned so so sooooo much. Many say that CPE is transformative and indeed it has been. Knowing that most of us had similar experiences is also an amazing part of the communal nature of the journey to priesthood in The Episcopal Church (and other denominations). I'm grateful that we can share threads of these deep experiences, similar challenges, and mutual growth in self-awareness and pastoral identity with each other and with our future congregations.
I finished both the class and volunteer hours as of August 1st, but stayed a little on as an NYUL chaplain for a bit. I love the work and I love living up here so I was excited to stay on!
Some of the things I have loved while working at NYUL:
- Meeting patients from around the world and being a chaplain to them
- Feeling more affirmed in my pastoral identity
- Learning tools for interacting with people when they are in distress and/or grieving
- Establishing personal learning goals for working with people in ministry
- Learning more about interreligious chaplaincy as it pertains to healing
- Developing better self-awareness on many, MANY levels
- Being ok with silence in togetherness with patients
- Being part of the RRT - (rapid response team) and what helps make NYUL known for a center that provides holistic healing
- Learning from my CPE colleagues, my supervisors, patients, and hospital staff
- Being on-call in evening shifts...I found that I liked this very much.
Some of the things I have loved about living in New York are:
- Not having a car
- Being part of the RRT - (rapid response team) and what helps make NYUL known for a center that provides holistic healing
- Learning from my CPE colleagues, my supervisors, patients, and hospital staff
- Being on-call in evening shifts...I found that I liked this very much.
Some of the things I have loved about living in New York are:
- Not having a car
- Iced coffee. I always disliked iced coffee until, quite suddenly, this summer, I began to love it and have become rather used to having it often!
- Student tickets to museums and some Broadway shows
- Cafes and shops on almost every corner
- Attending St. Mary the Virgin Church. It became apparent that many people didn't understand why I attended the same church each Sunday. I've been coming to NYC fairly often since 1989 so have attended many of the ones they recommended and after a whole year of attending a different church almost every Sunday, I REALLY felt like attending the same church all summer long and it was worth it. Lovely church, excellent rector (Stephen Gerth) and music (David Hurd, director). "Smokey Mary's" www.stmvirgin.org
- Many parks and quiet spots can be found...one simply has to look
- Seeing friends I know from New Orleans and New York
- The pizza (of course!)
- Having work here and feeling like I'm part of things and have a non-touristy purpose
- The diversity and hearing different languages all around me
- The many flowers I've found on my walks
- People don't look down upon you for using social media here
- People DO NOT care what you look like
- Free lunches for volunteers at the hospital. These have enabled me to save money all summer long and see shows and go to museums!
- There are beaches here...I had forgotten that!
Some things I don't like:
- It's ridiculously expensive
- Summer is HOT and I say that having lived in NOLA, Columbia, SC, and Atlanta, GA
- Student tickets to museums and some Broadway shows
- Cafes and shops on almost every corner
- Attending St. Mary the Virgin Church. It became apparent that many people didn't understand why I attended the same church each Sunday. I've been coming to NYC fairly often since 1989 so have attended many of the ones they recommended and after a whole year of attending a different church almost every Sunday, I REALLY felt like attending the same church all summer long and it was worth it. Lovely church, excellent rector (Stephen Gerth) and music (David Hurd, director). "Smokey Mary's" www.stmvirgin.org
- Many parks and quiet spots can be found...one simply has to look
- Seeing friends I know from New Orleans and New York
- The pizza (of course!)
- Having work here and feeling like I'm part of things and have a non-touristy purpose
- The diversity and hearing different languages all around me
- The many flowers I've found on my walks
- People don't look down upon you for using social media here
- People DO NOT care what you look like
- Free lunches for volunteers at the hospital. These have enabled me to save money all summer long and see shows and go to museums!
- There are beaches here...I had forgotten that!
Some things I don't like:
- It's ridiculously expensive
- Summer is HOT and I say that having lived in NOLA, Columbia, SC, and Atlanta, GA
It's MISERABLE though, b/c it seems as if few places have adequate air conditioning. While most subway trains are cool inside, the standing platforms where you wait are like OVENS. I am not exaggerating one bit
- Crazy people on the subway who ruin perfectly good rides
- Those times when well-meaning people have lists of things they think you should do in NYC, but you either can't or have differing tastes and motives
- Climbing all the steps....there are so many....tooooooo many
- Crazy people on the subway who ruin perfectly good rides
- Those times when well-meaning people have lists of things they think you should do in NYC, but you either can't or have differing tastes and motives
- Climbing all the steps....there are so many....tooooooo many
- Daily motion sickness riding the trains. Mine has always been pretty bad. I can handle most short train rides, though I sometimes feel a bit nauseous and exit with a really bad headache. I was glad for the 10-12 minute walk from the subway station to the hospital so that I could feel better each day before starting work
I am very grateful to my host, an experienced staff NYUL chaplain. She let me afford living in her place this summer AND she let me bring my dear sweet Bluebell kitty up with me! She has two sweet kitties and everyone gets along :-)
When I return to Sewanee, I will do some much-needed apartment cleaning, finish getting books for the semester, have a couple of meetings, hopefully view the solar eclipse (it had better not be cloudy!), and more. One thing I am especially grateful for is that I have planned a personal retreat during the week before classes begin. YIPPEE! I’ll get to have an actual peaceful much-needed break, thanks to some very caring friends.
We have a Quiet Day on Monday, August 28 and classes begin on Tuesday, August 29.
I'm taking the following classes:
- Pastoral Theology I
- Systematic Theology I
- A course on C.S. Lewis
- A ministry course called Transforming Congregations
- Foundations in Preaching and the preaching lab that goes with it
- I am attempting to take Arabic lessons this year, but not for credit
I'm very excited and have happy butterflies about returning and this second year!
I am very grateful to my host, an experienced staff NYUL chaplain. She let me afford living in her place this summer AND she let me bring my dear sweet Bluebell kitty up with me! She has two sweet kitties and everyone gets along :-)
When I return to Sewanee, I will do some much-needed apartment cleaning, finish getting books for the semester, have a couple of meetings, hopefully view the solar eclipse (it had better not be cloudy!), and more. One thing I am especially grateful for is that I have planned a personal retreat during the week before classes begin. YIPPEE! I’ll get to have an actual peaceful much-needed break, thanks to some very caring friends.
We have a Quiet Day on Monday, August 28 and classes begin on Tuesday, August 29.
I'm taking the following classes:
- Pastoral Theology I
- Systematic Theology I
- A course on C.S. Lewis
- A ministry course called Transforming Congregations
- Foundations in Preaching and the preaching lab that goes with it
- I am attempting to take Arabic lessons this year, but not for credit
I'm very excited and have happy butterflies about returning and this second year!
Saturday, August 5, 2017
Summer 2017 update for St. Paul's
Dear St. Paul’s Family,
It’s time for an update from your Sewanee seminarian! First, I’d like to thank you for keeping me in your prayers and for your support of all that I am doing and learning. Much has gone on since I last saw you in December and wrote to you in the spring. First, I received two grants (Seminary Consultation on Mission and Episcopal Church Global Missions) to travel to the Philippines. With faculty support, I scheduled my exams early to make the trip. I am in the process of writing about my journey and the work I did there so stay tuned to this blog (you can sign up via email on the right-hand side of the screen). I spent three weeks there and was able to visit and work with small remote villages, attend the national synod and write an ENS article about it, and learn about The Episcopal Church in The Philippines.
It’s time for an update from your Sewanee seminarian! First, I’d like to thank you for keeping me in your prayers and for your support of all that I am doing and learning. Much has gone on since I last saw you in December and wrote to you in the spring. First, I received two grants (Seminary Consultation on Mission and Episcopal Church Global Missions) to travel to the Philippines. With faculty support, I scheduled my exams early to make the trip. I am in the process of writing about my journey and the work I did there so stay tuned to this blog (you can sign up via email on the right-hand side of the screen). I spent three weeks there and was able to visit and work with small remote villages, attend the national synod and write an ENS article about it, and learn about The Episcopal Church in The Philippines.
Two weeks before I left though, my mother had a stroke in Charleston, SC. She was in and out of the ER for four days and it was an extremely stressful time. My brother and I worked hard to make sure she was receiving the care she needed for progressive dementia and stroke recovery. After a month of waiting on certain documents, we finally received paperwork that was necessary to establish power of attorney and were able to get things rolling with placing her in an assisted living facility. I flew down from New York to clean out the house and move Mom’s things into storage while my brother dealt with selling the house on Mom’s behalf. In July, he was able to do that and Mom is now in a facility in Durham, NC, near my brother. She is doing extremely well in her new place and seems happy. I am happy and grateful that she is receiving the care that she needs!!!!
I discerned much about whether or not I should go to the Philippines, but I had some help and advice and in the end, I decided to go. After I returned, I immediately began my CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) program in New York on May 22. All seminarians must complete a unit of CPE and it’s usually done the summer after the first year in the MDiv program. My CPE placement has been in New York at NYU Langone-Brooklyn Medical Center and I have been living in a room in East Williamsburg in Brooklyn. NYUL is a Level I trauma center and is widely known and respected for its stroke response and medical teams. Working here, I have been able to be part of rapid response and witness the efficient, caring, and holistic care the hospital provides. My CPE program consisted of 300 hours of volunteer chaplaincy work and 100 hours of class – not to mention the books, presentations, and papers! I was placed in the stroke/neurological wing and that was very interesting, but tough. The summer has been challenging, emotional, intense, filled with holy moments, and I have learned so so sooooo much. Many say that CPE is transformative and indeed it has been.
Some of the things I have loved about living in New York are:
I discerned much about whether or not I should go to the Philippines, but I had some help and advice and in the end, I decided to go. After I returned, I immediately began my CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) program in New York on May 22. All seminarians must complete a unit of CPE and it’s usually done the summer after the first year in the MDiv program. My CPE placement has been in New York at NYU Langone-Brooklyn Medical Center and I have been living in a room in East Williamsburg in Brooklyn. NYUL is a Level I trauma center and is widely known and respected for its stroke response and medical teams. Working here, I have been able to be part of rapid response and witness the efficient, caring, and holistic care the hospital provides. My CPE program consisted of 300 hours of volunteer chaplaincy work and 100 hours of class – not to mention the books, presentations, and papers! I was placed in the stroke/neurological wing and that was very interesting, but tough. The summer has been challenging, emotional, intense, filled with holy moments, and I have learned so so sooooo much. Many say that CPE is transformative and indeed it has been.
I finished both the class and volunteer hours this past week and was asked to stay on as an NYUL chaplain until I leave New York in ten days. I love the work and I love living up here so I was excited to stay on! Our CPE unit graduation is this coming Tuesday, May 8th - please keep all chaplain residents and interns in your prayers.
Some of the things I have loved while working at NYUL are:
- Meeting patients from around the world and being a chaplain to them
- Feeling more affirmed in my pastoral identity
- Learning tools for interacting with people when they are in distress and/or grieving
- Establishing personal learning goals for working with people in ministry
- Learning more about interreligious chaplaincy as it pertains to healing
- Developing better self-awareness on many, MANY levels
- Being part of the RRT - the rapid response team and what helps make NYUL known for a center that provides holistic healing
- Learning from my CPE colleagues, my supervisors, patients, and hospital staff
- Being on-call...I found that I liked this very much.
- Iced coffee. I always disliked iced coffee until, quite suddenly, this summer, I began to love it and have become rather used to having it often!
Some of the things I have loved about living in New York are:
- Not having a car
- Student tickets to museums and some Broadway shows
- Cafes and shops on every corner
- Many parks and quiet spots can be found,one simply has to look
- Seeing friends I know from New Orleans and New York
- The pizza (of course!)
- Having work here and feeling like I'm part of things
- The diversity and hearing different languages all around me
- The many flowers I've found on my walks
- People don't look down upon you for using social media here
- People DO NOT care what you look like
- Free lunches for volunteers at the hospital. These have enabled me to save money all summer long and see shows and go to museums!
- There are beaches here!
Some things I don't like:
- It's ridiculously expensive.
- Summer is HOT and I say that having lived in NOLA, Columbia, SC, and Atlanta, GA. It's MISERABLE though, b/c few places have adequate air conditioning and while most subway trains are cool inside, the standing platforms where you wait are like OVENS. I am not exaggerating one bit.
- Crazy people on the subway who ruin perfectly good rides.
- Those times when well-meaning people have lists of things they think you should do in NYC, but you either can't or have differing tastes and motives.
- Climbing all the steps....there are so many....tooooooo many.
I am very grateful to my host, an experienced staff NYUL chaplain. She let me afford living in her place this summer AND she let me bring my dear sweet Bluebell kitty up with me! She has two sweet kitties and everyone gets along :-)
When I return to Sewanee, I will do some much-needed apartment cleaning, finish getting books for the semester, have a couple of meetings, hopefully view the solar eclipse, and more. One thing I am especially grateful for is that friends of mine will let me use their mountain cabin for a few days during the week before classes begin so I’ll get to have an actual peaceful much-needed retreat break. We have a Quiet Day on Monday, August 28 and classes begin on Tuesday, August 29.
I'm taking the following classes:
- Pastoral Theology I
- Systematic Theology I
- A course on C.S. Lewis
- A ministry course called Transforming Congregations
- Foundations in Preaching and the preaching lab that goes with it
I'm very excited and have happy butterflies about returning and this second year!
I will be visiting New Orleans and St. Paul’s over Labor Day weekend and attending that Sunday’s 10:15 AM service so I hope to see you all in person!
Friday, August 4, 2017
Trees by Joyce Kilmer
Trees by Joyce Kilmer (1886-1918)
I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is pressed
Against the earth’s sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.
Thursday, August 3, 2017
A Moment
I needed a moment today. A big one. So, I'm eating out for the third time since May 22.
I spent HOURS trying to finish scheduling things and making phone calls. Yesterday, I just finished my last CPE class session so I was supposed to take today OFF and tomorrow as well. Instead, I worked on things all day....things that will make life much easier when I get back to Sewanee for a bit before classes begin. I did it though - and remotely got a great start to being back at home. So, I'm rather excited to say that not only did I finish my final CPE course yesterday, but I finished my hours on Tuesday. I decided a while back that I'd stay in NYC a week longer than graduation (August 8) for a couple of reasons. First, I want to see friends I haven't gotten a chance to see up here since I've been so busy! Secondly, I was not sure at the time whether or not I'd be finished with my hours and it was recommended to me that I get a one-way ticket and wait to decide upon the return date.
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| My dinner of chicken pad Thai at Sage in Brooklyn |
Once back at Sewanee, I'll have a couple of days to bomb the apartment to get rid of spiders etc., get the new tires I needed last October and see if my car even still runs, and join a one-day Orientation trip to Memphis with the incoming class of seminarians. I hope to then experience the solar eclipse and...AND....AAAAANNNNND.... I need a retreat.
I really REALLY need it. It's been nonstop since spring break and much of the time super intense. SO, I planned one. I did it. I picked a tiny little town in an undisclosed location....somewhere not too far away, yet AWAY, and a place that has peace, activities, views, water, etc. I PLANNED IT! I'm so excited! It's just two days, BUT who cares, right?! I cannot wait!! YIPPEEEEEE!!!
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
The Little Tuft That Grows
This triumphant little tuft of grass: stepped on or stepped around, but green and healthy, resilient, perhaps even determined, and able to grow and thrive! It reminded me today of overcoming many hardships in my life and how as much as I see those things, I also see the beauty around me. I'm so grateful to have seen this little green patch and to experience in myself the rush of feelings and excitement in life. I am so so sooooooooooooooo happy to be on the path to priesthood, attending seminary at Sewanee, and to have the capacity to love the adventure before me as it unfolds. It has been a long and difficult road - with plenty of things that have thrown me off or sent me on wild goose chases. It has also been harried with anxiety, both in family and personal matters, BUT, I'm enjoying the ride!
I love my own journey and I want to say thank you to all you reading this for your part in my life!
😊
❤️ Have a lovely evening!
I love my own journey and I want to say thank you to all you reading this for your part in my life!
😊❤️ Have a lovely evening!Saturday, July 22, 2017
Mary Magdalene's Rather Creepy Hair Suits, Portrayed by Early Renaissance Painters
Today (July 22, 2017) we commemorate the feast of Saint Mary Magdalene. I saw the first image on Instagram and thought "wow, that looks like a pantsuit....painted in the 1430's and referring to waaaaay earlier, my how progressive...what's up with that?"
THEN saw the second image which revealed to me it's actually her hair! Wow!
THEN saw the second image which revealed to me it's actually her hair! Wow!
Hair suits...
Ponder that for a moment...
The imagery is both grotesque and amazing.... It was Mary Magdalene (in many interpretations) who used her hair to wipe her tears from Jesus' feet and anoint them (instead of Mary of Bethany, Martha's sister), thus her hair was an important feature. Perhaps she did have red hair and perhaps she didn't, but many Italian painters portrayed women with red hair. Here is an interesting blog post on red haired Italian women.
Nice (and a bit creepy) touch of modesty here in these paintings though, covering Mary's naked form with suit-like long hair. First image: a master of Gdansk, an unknown painter circa 1430. Second image: Giovanni Pietro di Birago (Italy, active from 1471-1513).
Third image: Antonio Vivarini (active from 1440-1480). These images are almost akin to modern hairy images of the mythical Bigfoot in some ways, but as I stare at the paintings, I think they're growing on me. If I can love early Renaissance music and the sackbut, krummhorn and shawm, I can surely make the stretch to strange paintings of hair-covered saints!
Here's a very interesting and informative article link Who Framed Mary Magdalene?
The imagery is both grotesque and amazing.... It was Mary Magdalene (in many interpretations) who used her hair to wipe her tears from Jesus' feet and anoint them (instead of Mary of Bethany, Martha's sister), thus her hair was an important feature. Perhaps she did have red hair and perhaps she didn't, but many Italian painters portrayed women with red hair. Here is an interesting blog post on red haired Italian women.
Nice (and a bit creepy) touch of modesty here in these paintings though, covering Mary's naked form with suit-like long hair. First image: a master of Gdansk, an unknown painter circa 1430. Second image: Giovanni Pietro di Birago (Italy, active from 1471-1513).
Third image: Antonio Vivarini (active from 1440-1480). These images are almost akin to modern hairy images of the mythical Bigfoot in some ways, but as I stare at the paintings, I think they're growing on me. If I can love early Renaissance music and the sackbut, krummhorn and shawm, I can surely make the stretch to strange paintings of hair-covered saints!
Here's a very interesting and informative article link Who Framed Mary Magdalene?
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| Mary Magdalene Raised by Angels in Glory, Unknown from Gdansk, 1430. |
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| Mary Magdalene by Giovanni Pietro di Birago, Italy ca. 1500 |
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| Mary Magdalene by Antonio Vivarini, ca. 1460 |
A Collect for Coffee
A Collect for Coffee
Almighty God, who in your mercy provides all things for our goodwill and maintenance, pour out your blessings upon the farmers, harvesters, distributors, roasters, and all others who participate in the manifold tasks required to provide your people with that most useful beverage, coffee, that we, your church, might continue to reap the benefits of this beverage for the glory of your kingdom and the sake of your only son, our savior Jesus Christ, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.
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| Photo by Caroline Carson, Cafe du Monde, New Orleans, LA |
A Prayer for Quiet Confidence
A Prayer for Quiet Confidence
O God of peace, who has taught us that in returning and rest we will be saved, in quietness and confidence will be our strength: By the might of your Spirit lift us, we pray, to your presence, where we may be still and know that you are God; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
~ Book of Common Prayer
O God of peace, who has taught us that in returning and rest we will be saved, in quietness and confidence will be our strength: By the might of your Spirit lift us, we pray, to your presence, where we may be still and know that you are God; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
~ Book of Common Prayer
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| Bay Ridge in Brooklyn at sunset, CPE summer 2017 |
Thursday, July 20, 2017
A Little CPE Reflection
I'll preface this by saying that it's a boiling hot summer day in NYC and I've a free day, but feel rather congested so I decided to stay home and write and watch a few movies later. I hope this makes some sense and either is of interest of helps those seeking CPE experiences. :-)
At the core of my personal theology resides two themes: that of our time being short upon this Earth and that of all humanity belonging to God and being comprised of a colorful collage of brokenness within it. I believe that our souls, our essences of spirit, are forms of sentient energy, separate, yet inextricably bound to our bodies….these bodies…these growing and learning, yet breakable and decaying bodies. We were created in the image of God, we are broken by our journey, and we will be healed in and by Christ’s breaking and rising. There is a temporal limit to our bodies and no one knows whether our souls existed before or will last afterwards. I choose to believe they live onward. I also believe that we are all children of God of equal standing in life and death. We are all born and we all die. There is no distinction and no division within Christ. Romans 3:22-25, “For there is no distinction, since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; they are now justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a sacrifice of atonement by his blood, effective through faith.”
At the core of my personal theology resides two themes: that of our time being short upon this Earth and that of all humanity belonging to God and being comprised of a colorful collage of brokenness within it. I believe that our souls, our essences of spirit, are forms of sentient energy, separate, yet inextricably bound to our bodies….these bodies…these growing and learning, yet breakable and decaying bodies. We were created in the image of God, we are broken by our journey, and we will be healed in and by Christ’s breaking and rising. There is a temporal limit to our bodies and no one knows whether our souls existed before or will last afterwards. I choose to believe they live onward. I also believe that we are all children of God of equal standing in life and death. We are all born and we all die. There is no distinction and no division within Christ. Romans 3:22-25, “For there is no distinction, since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; they are now justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a sacrifice of atonement by his blood, effective through faith.”
One aspect of what this means to me is that I am as broken as my fellow man. As a postulant, praying and studying to one day (God willing) become a priest, I am called to use my brokenness to minister to those paralyzed by the fear this brokenness may create. This summer unit of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE), has placed me in an extremely socio-economically and demographically diverse environment. I chose it. It was as close as I could get to doing my CPE in another country. I crave diversity of people and culture.
There are no seminary bubbles here.
There are no remote and lush mountain hideaways here.
Here, one is faced with everything and everyone and can embrace the truths of the raw and beautiful or of the hidden and ugly…basically all aspects of humanity. It continues to be very refreshing for my soul and I feel at home in the middle of it all. It is not easy though. I was placed in a stroke/neurological unit after my mother had a stroke. It has hit home HARD that our family has these tendencies toward strokes and dementia. There have been times I’ve relived my father’s death through witnessing someone else’s love done gasping for that last breath. I have seen dysfunctional family dynamics and it has been like a mirror to my own family. These were not events that I buried, not at all, but rather, events that, like grief, tend to resurface.
Theologically, I saw God at this hospital….in patients, pastoral care team, staff, doctors, and more. I have been in hospitals many times, but this time being in a leadership capacity, I was able to step into others’ grieving process and witness transformation in progress. I did not see the end results of many of these processes, but having a glimpse into them was valuable. Chaplains are in a unique role of representing God and/or the Divine. Sometimes all we can do is to let a person know that the divine is still divine in the midst of their story. The sacred nature of this is the visceral reality of our own mortality. Again, we are all born and we all die. Where do we stand before God? How shall we live out our lives? The key for me is made of favorite quotes from Jonathan Swift and Henri Amiel.
May you live all the days of your life.
~ Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
My friends, Life is short, and we do not have much time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us, so be quick to love and make haste to be kind. And may the blessing of the One who made us, and the One who loves us, and the One who travels with us, be with you and those you love this day and always. AMEN.
~ Adapted from Henri-Frédéric Amiel (1821–1881)
Below is one of my spiritual reflections after an evening shift at NYUL.
As soon as I walked out of the hospital, I could feel it and so I chose to walk slowly, savoring every moment. My whole 0.7 mile walk to the subway station this evening was a mystical and transcendent thin place. It's chilly, misting droplets filling the air, and the twilight fading into the night. The softness of the air. The hum of a streetlight. The hint of the idea of an Autumn out of place. The sounds of children playing. The smells of dinners. The oddity of civic fireflies that flickered over green garbage cans and brownstones. A multitude of languages, cars whooshing by, bells on shop doors dinging the way in or the way out, music of all sorts coming from a distance down every street, the smell of fresh laundry, and an occasional breeze in the trees. I'm so grateful to have moments like this! Moments of satisfying joy, a twinge of sadness, a breath of excitement - Moments that fill me with inexplicable longing, yet fill me with this transitory life itself. I walked from the past, through the present, and touched the future tonight.
Thanks be to God.
There are no seminary bubbles here.
There are no remote and lush mountain hideaways here.
Here, one is faced with everything and everyone and can embrace the truths of the raw and beautiful or of the hidden and ugly…basically all aspects of humanity. It continues to be very refreshing for my soul and I feel at home in the middle of it all. It is not easy though. I was placed in a stroke/neurological unit after my mother had a stroke. It has hit home HARD that our family has these tendencies toward strokes and dementia. There have been times I’ve relived my father’s death through witnessing someone else’s love done gasping for that last breath. I have seen dysfunctional family dynamics and it has been like a mirror to my own family. These were not events that I buried, not at all, but rather, events that, like grief, tend to resurface.
In a hospital environment, the brokenness of the body comes with the aching of the soul, the purest joy at rehabilitative progress, the deep sadness of parting, the humor from tired, slap-happy minds, the pain of needles, the happy tears of new and health birth, the stench of bodies, the warmth of blankets, the noise…and the silence. My calling to be a priest in this world has called me to pray, discern, and reflect. I am recognizing both strengths and growing edges of mine. Some of my gifts are enthusiasm, listening, reflection, and energy. Some of my strengths have nothing to do with my gifts, but rather the progress I have made in some of my growing edges. Even the tiniest bit of self-awareness is something I consider as progress. The urge to fix, the uncertainty of pastoral identity, and the awareness of how my anxiety plays roles in various situations from the unknown, to the wanting-to-be-in-charge, to the yes/no questions preventing going deeper with patients – these have all been identified and are all being worked on. I am feeling more at home in my role as it is sculpted toward priesthood. I feel more comfortable with the constancy of human physical ailments, traumatic events, the dying process, and thinking and talking about death.
This feeling of home aligns with one of the themes we studied and read about in our CPE course books this summer, that of grief and the grieving process. [The books are: I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Wasn’t) by Brené Brown and All Our Losses, All Our Griefs by Mitchell and Anderson]. CPE has helped me to gain some tools to help me recognize when and how others are grieving. Grief does not simply take the form of physical death, but can also go along with change itself. I will grieve the loss of some of the ways I’ve done things and habits I’ve held. For example: in letting go of trying to fix things when I listen to suffering, I can become a vessel of God’s healing presence, allowing for an authenticity from the patient I’m with, an honesty and sincerity of feeling and emotion that they can express. I have re-learned in CPE that one of the most comforting things I can offer to someone is silence. Any words of comfort must be those that can let them open up their own experiences and find sacred space in which they can find their own path to God’s healing. Even if the person is not of any faith background, spiritual and sacred experiences can happen.
People need the holy. They need to know God cares for them, even in their grief and that God is there for them, even in their raw state of being. Having let down my fences through therapy in the past, I know how healing it can be to let go. Still, letting go, involves a type of grief over the loss of what you let go. What if you never had it to begin with? Can a person grieve over something they have never had? I propose that yes, we can in fact grieve the loss of something we have not actually had. It can be the loss of an imagined state, the loss of potential, or the loss of an opportunity for growth. During this summer of CPE and working with patients at the hospital, I have observed many people who have suddenly lost physical opportunities they did not consider until it became too late. They grieve in varying ways. CPE is teaching me to learn to sit with them in this grief instead of creating a false sort of bravery that keeps sorrow and death at a comfortable distance. By showing our vulnerability do we begin to reach the sacredness inside ourselves. By allowing others to do so without invasion, we allow them to experience release and healing. This allowance is a thin place in our emotional lives, enabling us to be truly connected with God and open to God’s interaction with all humanity. Once we are comfortable with our own vulnerability and our own sense of the holiness in ourselves, we can truly be home anywhere. By this, I mean that we may give ourselves, our souls, and our bodies to the God in everyone and every place we experience.
Some of the cultural and sociological observations I have include the following. I’ve seen no racial, age, or cultural issues arise, but I have seen gender issues while at NYUL. NYUL is a hospital open to all, but most of the patients are Catholic and many in this tradition prefer to have a male Catholic priest. Likewise, I have seen men in the Jewish faith or Muslim traditions prefer not to pastorally talk with a woman. It has been very interesting for me to see these dynamics. Because of my travels and personality, I can often provide pastoral support for these families even if they did not necessarily want to “see a chaplain”. Part of being a good leader is to know when to step back and when to follow and to do it willingly, both for the sake of respect and for learning. I was respected as an intern and included by response teams doctors, family, and others. I was invited to discussions, allowed to watch some therapy and some procedures, and grew comfortable and affirmed in my role.
Theologically, I saw God at this hospital….in patients, pastoral care team, staff, doctors, and more. I have been in hospitals many times, but this time being in a leadership capacity, I was able to step into others’ grieving process and witness transformation in progress. I did not see the end results of many of these processes, but having a glimpse into them was valuable. Chaplains are in a unique role of representing God and/or the Divine. Sometimes all we can do is to let a person know that the divine is still divine in the midst of their story. The sacred nature of this is the visceral reality of our own mortality. Again, we are all born and we all die. Where do we stand before God? How shall we live out our lives? The key for me is made of favorite quotes from Jonathan Swift and Henri Amiel.
May you live all the days of your life.
~ Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
My friends, Life is short, and we do not have much time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us, so be quick to love and make haste to be kind. And may the blessing of the One who made us, and the One who loves us, and the One who travels with us, be with you and those you love this day and always. AMEN.
~ Adapted from Henri-Frédéric Amiel (1821–1881)
Below is one of my spiritual reflections after an evening shift at NYUL.
As soon as I walked out of the hospital, I could feel it and so I chose to walk slowly, savoring every moment. My whole 0.7 mile walk to the subway station this evening was a mystical and transcendent thin place. It's chilly, misting droplets filling the air, and the twilight fading into the night. The softness of the air. The hum of a streetlight. The hint of the idea of an Autumn out of place. The sounds of children playing. The smells of dinners. The oddity of civic fireflies that flickered over green garbage cans and brownstones. A multitude of languages, cars whooshing by, bells on shop doors dinging the way in or the way out, music of all sorts coming from a distance down every street, the smell of fresh laundry, and an occasional breeze in the trees. I'm so grateful to have moments like this! Moments of satisfying joy, a twinge of sadness, a breath of excitement - Moments that fill me with inexplicable longing, yet fill me with this transitory life itself. I walked from the past, through the present, and touched the future tonight.
Thanks be to God.
 |
| Sometimes, we suit up for the protection of the patient or our protection. |
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Hair-Raising Rantings of a Ginger
Keep in the recesses of your mind while you read this - that this is in fact, my hair, my head, and my opinion!
There are unalienable truthbombs all redheaded folks face, though I wonder if it's as much of an issue in northern Scotland as it is in my neck of the woods. People you've never met will ask about the nature of your hair: whether it's real or not, whether or not certain other portions match the hair on your head, whether you steal souls when you get angry, or whether you've ever been called "Annie" before (oh THAT's a new one #not).
Seriously, people have no shame about it and feel you shouldn't either. Regardless of your heritage, it will always be assumed you're Irish (not that that's a bad thing)! How dare you think of cutting it. "You should" blah blah blah.. Srsly. People will give you unwanted advice ALL. THE. TIME.
People tell me several times a week how jealous they are and compare my hair to someone they've known or known about. I get stopped on the street, even here in NYC just last week. They offer recommendations about what colors to wear in makeup, clothing, and look offended if you don't like "terracotta camel orangine" or whatever...but you get the point.
I might appreciate compliments....if they weren't only ever followed by advice and directives.
It gets old.
It's fun to see their faces when I tell them how I used to want to dye my hair black when I was in kindergarten through six grade.
It's way less fun to hear their shocked and critical responses.
They tell me "that's crazy", "you're insane", "how stupid can you be?!" "only an idiot would do that....you should (blah blah blah)" and proceed to tell me how lucky I am to have this color and that people would kill for it (really?) That only made me want to change it more.
For as long as I can remember in my life, I've been having to interact with this strange sort of attention. My brother and I used to think we were adopted because we didn't know as tiny children that red hair is a recessive gene and sometimes skips a generation. I used to be teased and bullied by kids my own age AND ADULTS who acted as if it was so hilarious to call me Annie all the time or some other name. It wasn't just the names. As I grew up, I traveled to other countries where redheads were thought to be from the dark side, or witches, or worse. Watch out, or I might steal your soul. Good grief, England is TERRIBLE when it comes to gingers. Then again, Italy is not. I was reminded how they'e often angelic and in Titian paintings or Florentine Renaissance Botticelli works.
Nowadays, anyone can be a redhead and that's great....or is it?
I read. I traveled some more. I grew up and embraced what I wanted and dropped the rest. I actually began to legitimately love my hair and in fact, I truly do appreciate it as an identifier. It's also quite pretty in the sunlight. Not many people have red hair. There is much distinction between shades too. Here are a few quick facts about us gingers:
- Usually redheads are born with brown eyes, but many end up being green (mine change from green to grey to green/blue etc.)
- Redheads have less hair than most other colors, but each individual strand is stronger
- Red hair doesn't usually turn grey, it sometimes goes through a molting bird color and then turns white.
- Redheads are more sensitive to hot and cold
- Gingers often need more anesthesia
- Redheads have low concentrations of eumelanin in their body and as a result, they can’t absorb the required level of Vitamin D. However, they make up for this by producing their own Vitamin D when they are exposed to low-light conditions.
I will fry up if they even think about the sun, but that won't change if my hair color changes. Red air is who I am now. It's toughened me, made me stronger, and become something that connects me to legends and beauty and truly unique creatures of nature...plus the whole "I was considered a vampire in ancient Greece" thing gets me a few cool points. I'm not getting rid of it, but I've finally decided to scratch the itch of dying it a bit. I can no longer ignore my fascination with blues and purples and shiny tints of peach. I'm not 100% sure what I'll do and I'm sure it'll last only a few weeks and then I'll return to my normal color. If anything, cutting my hair is also an option. My body type doesn't do too well with long flowy locks, but I've had them for the past 12 years anyway :-) Why? Because it's MY head and MY hair....plus I had a terrible bowl cut for most of my life before the long locks. I also lost 2/3 of my hair after VSG surgery. I almost cut it all off except that it seemed to grow back with a bit of natural curl in it (wahoo!) As someone who spent HOURS daily in hard plastic heated rollers and then used a curling iron and hairspray, that is a miracle!
So, I've bought some colorful dye and who knows what'll happen next! To anyone who is ultra concerned with my hair or think my intelligence level has been compromised, I strongly urge you to pick a new obsession ;-)
There are unalienable truthbombs all redheaded folks face, though I wonder if it's as much of an issue in northern Scotland as it is in my neck of the woods. People you've never met will ask about the nature of your hair: whether it's real or not, whether or not certain other portions match the hair on your head, whether you steal souls when you get angry, or whether you've ever been called "Annie" before (oh THAT's a new one #not).
Seriously, people have no shame about it and feel you shouldn't either. Regardless of your heritage, it will always be assumed you're Irish (not that that's a bad thing)! How dare you think of cutting it. "You should" blah blah blah.. Srsly. People will give you unwanted advice ALL. THE. TIME.
People tell me several times a week how jealous they are and compare my hair to someone they've known or known about. I get stopped on the street, even here in NYC just last week. They offer recommendations about what colors to wear in makeup, clothing, and look offended if you don't like "terracotta camel orangine" or whatever...but you get the point.
I might appreciate compliments....if they weren't only ever followed by advice and directives.
It gets old.
It's fun to see their faces when I tell them how I used to want to dye my hair black when I was in kindergarten through six grade.
It's way less fun to hear their shocked and critical responses.
They tell me "that's crazy", "you're insane", "how stupid can you be?!" "only an idiot would do that....you should (blah blah blah)" and proceed to tell me how lucky I am to have this color and that people would kill for it (really?) That only made me want to change it more.
For as long as I can remember in my life, I've been having to interact with this strange sort of attention. My brother and I used to think we were adopted because we didn't know as tiny children that red hair is a recessive gene and sometimes skips a generation. I used to be teased and bullied by kids my own age AND ADULTS who acted as if it was so hilarious to call me Annie all the time or some other name. It wasn't just the names. As I grew up, I traveled to other countries where redheads were thought to be from the dark side, or witches, or worse. Watch out, or I might steal your soul. Good grief, England is TERRIBLE when it comes to gingers. Then again, Italy is not. I was reminded how they'e often angelic and in Titian paintings or Florentine Renaissance Botticelli works.
Nowadays, anyone can be a redhead and that's great....or is it?
I read. I traveled some more. I grew up and embraced what I wanted and dropped the rest. I actually began to legitimately love my hair and in fact, I truly do appreciate it as an identifier. It's also quite pretty in the sunlight. Not many people have red hair. There is much distinction between shades too. Here are a few quick facts about us gingers:
- Usually redheads are born with brown eyes, but many end up being green (mine change from green to grey to green/blue etc.)
- Redheads have less hair than most other colors, but each individual strand is stronger
- Red hair doesn't usually turn grey, it sometimes goes through a molting bird color and then turns white.
- Redheads are more sensitive to hot and cold
- Gingers often need more anesthesia
- Redheads have low concentrations of eumelanin in their body and as a result, they can’t absorb the required level of Vitamin D. However, they make up for this by producing their own Vitamin D when they are exposed to low-light conditions.
- (Personal note: bees stung me more and horses tried to eat my hair...I assume they thought I was a GIANT CARROT!)
I will fry up if they even think about the sun, but that won't change if my hair color changes. Red air is who I am now. It's toughened me, made me stronger, and become something that connects me to legends and beauty and truly unique creatures of nature...plus the whole "I was considered a vampire in ancient Greece" thing gets me a few cool points. I'm not getting rid of it, but I've finally decided to scratch the itch of dying it a bit. I can no longer ignore my fascination with blues and purples and shiny tints of peach. I'm not 100% sure what I'll do and I'm sure it'll last only a few weeks and then I'll return to my normal color. If anything, cutting my hair is also an option. My body type doesn't do too well with long flowy locks, but I've had them for the past 12 years anyway :-) Why? Because it's MY head and MY hair....plus I had a terrible bowl cut for most of my life before the long locks. I also lost 2/3 of my hair after VSG surgery. I almost cut it all off except that it seemed to grow back with a bit of natural curl in it (wahoo!) As someone who spent HOURS daily in hard plastic heated rollers and then used a curling iron and hairspray, that is a miracle!
So, I've bought some colorful dye and who knows what'll happen next! To anyone who is ultra concerned with my hair or think my intelligence level has been compromised, I strongly urge you to pick a new obsession ;-)
Friday, July 14, 2017
Transcendence on a Misty Evening
As soon as I walked out of the hospital, I could feel it and so I chose to walk slowly, savoring every moment. My whole 0.7 mile walk to the subway station this evening was a mystical and transcendent thin place. It's chilly, misting droplets filling the air, and the twilight fading into the night. The softness of the air. The hum of a streetlight. The hint of the idea of an Autumn out of place. The sounds of children playing. The smells of dinners. The oddity of civic fireflies that flickered over green garbage cans and brownstones. A multitude of languages, cars whooshing by, bells on shop doors dinging the way in or the way out, music of all sorts coming from a distance down every street, the smell of fresh laundry, and an occasional breeze in the trees. I'm so grateful to have moments like this! Moments of satisfying joy, a twinge of sadness, a breath of excitement - Moments that fill me with inexplicable longing, yet fill me with this transitory life itself. I walked from the past, through the present, and touched the future tonight. Thanks be to God.
(Photo via google, but it grasps the feelings I had).
(Photo via google, but it grasps the feelings I had).
Saturday, July 8, 2017
Clinical Pastoral Education in New York!
In The Episcopal Church, the rich journey to priesthood usually contains the vital, and sometimes dreaded, element of CPE. This stands for Clinical Pastoral Education and often consists of work as a chaplain at either a hospital or medical center. Many other denominations also include CPE and many place it in the summer after the first year in semniary.The hours in my program have been divided into 100 hours of class and "Didactic days" while the remaining 300 are spent being and chaplain at a hospital. The National Association of Clinical Pastoral Education (ACPE) has a list of most CPE programs and presents standards for spiritual care and education for professionals and people seeking to become professionals in any faith tradition or setting. CPE is a form of theological education. While it can lead to professional chaplaincy, it is important for faith leaders to have experiential learning and actually have a chance to practice ministry. Gaining insights of self-awareness and that of others is important to both giving and receiving care.
I chose the New York Lutheran Services Alliance for my program. It's in New York and is an extremely diverse program. I'm working at New York University Langone (formerly NYU Lutheran) hospital in the Bay Ridge area of Brooklyn, NY. My classes are held on the upper west side area of Riverside at The Interchurch Center.
I'm loving my experience, both in the program and in New York and Brooklyn. It's been valuable. I have not liked everything about it and certain things are still growing on me (verbatims, for one), but overall, I am personally finding it a pastorally-validating, mindfullness-creating, rewarding, journey-through-the-emotions type of experience. Long ago, I worked extremely hard on my boundaries between teaching and taking things home. I learned, the hard way, not to take everything with me all of the time. I did not realize how much my previous work and therapy had helped me until I began to notice other colleagues struggling with some things. Here, this time, I have not taken things home and spent time (other than prayer) on them.
I have, in fact, managed somehow to have a bit of a life here in New York.
Lucky for me, I have a support system, including my sweet Bluebell kitty and some friends in NYC. I am very fortunate that the person from whom I'm renting allowed me to bring Bluebell with me. My friends are mostly busy or on vacation outside of the area, but I have managed to see some of them for dinner, coffee, a harbour cruise (this one), or a Broadway show. I'm able to do those things because my lunches are provided at the hospital (as a volunteer) and being a VSG-er, I eat tiny meals so get plenty of mileage from the salads I get! So, I'll write some more about the CPE experience another time, but: so far, so good.
I'm loving my experience, both in the program and in New York and Brooklyn. It's been valuable. I have not liked everything about it and certain things are still growing on me (verbatims, for one), but overall, I am personally finding it a pastorally-validating, mindfullness-creating, rewarding, journey-through-the-emotions type of experience. Long ago, I worked extremely hard on my boundaries between teaching and taking things home. I learned, the hard way, not to take everything with me all of the time. I did not realize how much my previous work and therapy had helped me until I began to notice other colleagues struggling with some things. Here, this time, I have not taken things home and spent time (other than prayer) on them. 
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